The part of this that goes along with the title was originally going to be its own blog post. Then I was going to put it at the beginning of this one, but I thought it would make it start off on a sour note. I finally decided to put it at the end of this blog post so if you want to skip right to that scroll down until you see, "How I Fucked Up." I wrote that part first so I'm not sure how the rest of this is going to go. I'll try to keep it positive, though.
Another race-free week unless you count the real last Racing to the Moon Uphill Ski Race on Thursday. Andrew was able to secure the East Lodge just for us so he threw in one last race for the season. It turned out to be one of the best. It was nice being away from the 5 million kids that crowd the main lodge and just have our small group of 20-ish people. It was a nice way to end the Series. The east slopes are unlit for night skiing so tonight meant we needed lights for nearly all of the course. With the temps lower than the previous weeks, I had to wear my thick mittens so I couldn't use the knuckle lights. To avoid the headlamp falling in my face problem that I had the one Friday Night Lights race, I duct taped my headlamp to my helmet. It ended up working out perfectly.
Tonight's course would end up being the shortest distance at 1.9 miles, but still 1.1 miles to the summit and close to the same elevation gain as the other races at 1,225ft. I personally thought this was the toughest climb of all 8 races. I'm not sure why, but it had a lot of steep climbs that I went really hard on. Ended up 4th to the summit, passing Mike and Phil on the last really steep pitch before we started our lollipop loop to the summit transition. My lungs felt like they were going to pop out of my chest here. 21:19 to the summit. Unlike last week, the groomer had prepared a larger section of the slope down, and I have to say this was hands-down the most fun downhill I skied. Perfect condition. Untouched only by our group. The steep black off the summit didn't even scare me because the skiing was so easy. I loved it that our last race ended this way. Not sure how many passed me in the transition, but I know two people did for sure. So I was at best 7th overall. I'd share total results for the Series, but Andrew hasn't finished putting them all up yet.
After the race, we had pizza and beer and just sat around talking. Squall was able to join us at this lodge so he put on a show doing tricks for us. I won another baguette as first woman and a collapsible water bottle that actually has a handle, unlike the one I already own. So that was cool. It was sad to see the Series end, but I was kind of ready for it. Now, I can pick up some overtime shifts again or just enjoy taking my time on Thursdays again. I'm not sure Andrew will do the weekly series at Shawnee Peak again, but I'll hopefully be able to do some racing next winter anyway. I had planned to do the Wild Corn race at Black Mt in April since it's a whole day long festival type thing, but $40 + ski rental is a bit steep for me. So tonight was probably my last ski race of the year.
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| Cool shot that Andrew Drummond took of us heading up. We're the lights on the slope. Look at that sky! |
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| I'm 3rd from the left. |
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| Jeff came back out this week! He killed the uphill. |
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| Squall! |
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| Cool reflection shot. You can see Squall out on the deck. |
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| Fun couple |
Running for the Week
Monday, 3/4- Zero. This was kind of planned so my legs could recover from the 5K and be ready for my long run the next day. I still did my upper body weight lifting with LIIFT4. Chest/Triceps. And did 10 minutes of glutes.
Tuesday, 3/5- 20 miles. Another awesome day of great weather. I actually felt much better than I did two weeks prior when I did my long run here in Sandwich. Ran an out and back on 113A and 113. I didn't even plan it, but my 10 mile turnaround was exactly at John's school. The run started off ok, but like clockwork, I could barely move more than a shuffle the last 6.5 miles. My hamstrings and tendons were SO sore. I felt physically unable to run. It took so much effort just to shuffle it in. 2:43:42. 8:10 avg pace. So disappointingly slow. 1,189ft of elevation gain. I made the decision after this run to skip my long run the next week and have a down week. My massage would be Tuesday so it would be good to do that then just run easy until the 5K on Saturday. Missing one long run probably won't make any difference whatsoever.
After the run, I filled up the water jugs at the Sandwich spring then headed to the Village Green Cafe in Sandwich since I had some time to kill before picking up John. Plus, I needed food asap. This is a nice little cafe, and I keep forgetting about it.
Wednesday, 3/6- Zero. I woke up fine to my alarm. Could have run, but I just didn't want to. Got in my LIIFT4 Back/Biceps and glute workouts at work, though.
Thursday, 3/7- 8 miles. I had packed everything for a run outside straight from work this morning, but it was -4 degrees out. No thank you. I couldn't wait for it to warm up since John had his follow up appointment at 1pm. So it was yet another treadmill day. I had planned 8 miles so I decided a 3x2-mile workout would be good. I believed I settled on a good speed and thought wow damn, this is easy today. Well, that's because I ran them way too slowly. I would have seen that had I not left my auto lap setting on that messed up my splits so that I couldn't see the 2-mile totals. Ended up being 13:48, 13:38, 13:30. Definitely should have done that faster, but it was still a workout. 8 miles 58:13. 7:17 avg pace total.
Friday, 3/8- 8.2 miles. John and I took a walk the day before around Pudding Pond so I was able to scope out the trail conditions. Packed solid! Yay! So I made a plan to run Middle and Peaked Mountains twice for today's run. They aren't long climbs so I thought a double would be perfect and around 9ish miles. The weather was gorgeous and perfect this morning. I started with the run up the Middle Mt trail that was solid just as expected. Ran with microspikes. I hit the Peaked/Middle intersection to find that no one had packed out Middle. Boo! I don't understand why Middle isn't as popular because it's one of my favorite mountains. Since this meant only Peaked for the day, I had to change my plans to a triple run of Peaked Mt. I've never actually done multiple runs of either mountain during one run and ended up finding it pretty fun. I had the trail to myself for the first loop then ran into an older guy near the summit on the 2nd. He recognized me as a runner he sees around town so that was cool. Really nice guy. By the third loop, I was really feeling it in my quads, but I still ran the entire way. I don't need to power hike at all on these mountains, but power hiking is something I need to get back to soon to prepare for Cranmore and Loon. 8.2 miles total in 1:59:15. 3,031ft of elevation gain. My quads would end up being sore from this run for the following 4 days. I know what I need to work on!
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| Hazy view of Mt Washington today |
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| Start of the run down from the summit |
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| View from my first of three summits of Peaked Mt. |
Sunday, 3/10- 12.2 miles. I could have easily gotten up and run 12 miles outside before the snow started, but I really wanted to sleep in and take my time. It would snow until the evening so we weren't going anywhere anyway. No need to rush into the run so I ended up on the treadmill. Still loving the 4, 3, 2, 1 workout. I ran the first 3 miles of the 4 at the same pace I did last time, but realized I could bump it up another notch after that. I felt pretty good today, even with the increased speed. Mile warm up in 8:04. 4 miles was 6:58 avg pace. 3 miles at 6:39 avg pace. 2 miles at 6:45 avg pace. And 6:41 for the 1 mile. .3 miles rest in between. 12.2 miles total in 1:27:29. 7:10 avg pace. 36 seconds faster than the last time I did this workout.
I still keep getting lost in my head and forgetting to hit the split times with this one.
Walks
Still not getting much in for walking and hiking right now. That probably won't change much for a few more weeks. We did do some things, but I'm looking forward to being done with long runs and other random stuff that keeps getting in the way.
Thursday, 3/7- John had his follow-up appointment for the shoulder surgery at 1pm so we went for a 2.1 mile walk around Pudding Pond with the dogs after the appointment. It's crazy how much snow we've gotten. It was all the way up to the gate and some signs were nearly buried. Good walk. Snowshoers had packed it down well.
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| The top of a gate that blocks cars from driving in. |
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| Look! Dirt and leaves! |
Saturday, 3/9- John, the dogs and I drove all the way to Berlin, VT (almost 2.5 hours) to look at car for sale that I'd made appointment for. It's the car I'm looking for and had really low miles. Turned out the woman who claimed to be meeting us was never going to so we just got assigned some random sales guy who wasn't even supposed to be doing this with us either. He greeted us and went to find someone else to help us. I guess he was told to do it. First bad vibe. He brings the car around. John and I are excited to test drive it so we get in. As soon as I put my seatbelt on, the sales guy comes up to the window and says that he's sorry but someone else just bought the car. Are you fucking kidding me? Ugh. So we got out. He told us to wait just in case the other person's financing didn't go through. It took over 20 minutes and during that time, the sales guy kept coming back with other cars which I refused to look at. I didn't come for other cars so quit trying to scam me, dude. Finally, I'd had enough and told him we were walking out. Oh suddenly the other person's financing went through and they had the car. We left. That place gave me a bad vibe. 802 Toyota. I don't recommend it.
So disappointing to waste a beautiful day with all of that driving, so I drove over to Montpelier to take a short walk in Hubbard Park. What a beautiful place. Basically right in the city. We only walked a mile, but I was glad we got something in.
Sunday, 3/10- The only walking I did was just over 3 hours of shoveling. This storm's timing was perfect, though. It dropped about 3 inches total during the day. I got out a little before 5pm. The snow was fizzling out by then and stopped by 7pm so I was able to get it all completely done at a reasonable hour and be all set in the morning. It wasn't really that bad, but because the snowbanks had reached the height I could no longer reach, I had to push everything in little spurts to the end of the driveway. It was easier since I didn't have to lift, but it also took much longer and involved A LOT more walking. Strava calculated 2.8 miles. Since I was walking longer distances than the usual way, I think the GPS was way more accurate. When I was finally down to the mailbox part, John called me on the phone. He was worried because I had been out there so long. He had come outside and called me, but I didn't hear him from the other end so he called to ask where I was. I was kind of shocked, but that's a good sign that he was paying attention and had something gone wrong, he would have found me. I was really happy to have warmer temps to melt some of the snow this week because the driveway was now at my max for width, just wide enough for my Kia Soul. Eek.
And speaking of, Kevin Tilton shared this meme with me the other day on FB. I can't stop laughing over it.
When I got to work on Monday, the ice overhang we walk under and where we pull the ambulance out was literally treacherous. No doubt sudden death if it fell. It would also have blocked us from getting the ambulance out, so I messaged our manager about it expecting nothing to happen. Lo and behold, he actually showed up and took care of it himself! Hell froze over!
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| About 3 inches of solid ice under the snow |
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| Had to get a chip in my windshield fixed so I brought it in to be warm for the Safellite guy. |
Tuesday night was the White Mountain Milers Annual Meeting at Tuckerman Brewing. I've missed the last two years because John was taking ninja class that started at 7pm so I couldn't go. I wasn't missing tonight, and I brought John along since his friend, Dylan, would be there, and there would be free pizza. It was actually really fun. I sat with Terry Ballou, Kim Proulx and Kathleen Murdough. We all had some beers and pizza and chatted, probably getting a little loud and rowdy. Haha. It was a fun night out. So many other people there I knew, too. I won the first raffle prize which never happens. I got a HR monitor watch which I don't need currently but I'll hang onto it in case. John might want it at some point, too. So glad we went. And I'm very impressed with how much the new leadership of the Milers has improved the club. We have so many more young runners now and the events are increasing and so well run. I'm glad I handed off my Treasurer position when I did. It was time for a change after 4 years, and I was just too busy to do much else to help improve the club. I love just being a regular member again.
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| The kids. John on the end. |
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| Their new peanut butter porter! |
Chill made the local newspaper on Saturday. I sent in a pic of him in the snow since they requested pics of how we're buried in the snow. Funny that Paul Kirsch did the exact same thing with his dog and that it's in the photo underneath Chill's. They left out Paul's caption, but the Conway Daily Sun and Paul haven't always gotten along, so I think it was probably on purpose. Haha.
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| The dog in the third pic is SO cute. |
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| This was the other photo I sent them. |
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| Woke up to find John had slept on the couch all night. Haha |
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| You weren't getting away without a Phoenix pic! |
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| The people sitting next to us noticed that the sun was shining through the logo on the outdoor furnace and reflecting on the wood. Super cool. |
HOW I FUCKED UP
My blog writing finally took that bad turn. But not in a way that I fucked myself over, but in that I wrote something that really hurt someone else. This might be long but hear me out as I go through the explanation of how it was not my intention at all. In fact, my thoughts at the time were actually the opposite of what came across this other person. BUT...then I'll write about why that doesn't matter at all. Why no matter what we intend if it hurts someone then we are completely in the wrong.
So Sunday, I was sitting in my kitchen finishing a cup of coffee before heading out for three hours of shoveling. Dreading it, I decided to procrastinate a bit and scroll through Instagram. I like to look at what people I follow like sometimes just to find new cool stuff, so I was looking through that when one of these likes caught my eye. The title and the tiny little photo in the preview implied it was some sort of running page, but by two women. You don't see that often so I clicked on it. I didn't know them, but it appeared they were two friends who are also runners living in different parts of the country, sharing an IG page. I thought it was cool so I started to scroll through. Considering what I had just written in my last blog post, it was kind of funny that I'd come across an Instagram account by women runners that was truly refreshing. They had photos of running, working out and selfies, but it didn't have that #lookatme vibe. I was really enjoying it. And then, I came across a photo I recognized, because I had the same one. It dawned on me that she was a person I had raced against in a race last summer. Then I read the caption. I was HORRIFIED.
What she wrote didn't horrify me. It was the words that I wrote in my blog post about that race. There they were in her caption, and, with them, her account at feeling body shamed at what I had written. Oh my god. I think that was my first thought. Then I thought, "What have I done?!!" I sat there stunned for probably a minute trying to wrap my head around it. I was thinking, "No, no, no! I didn't think that at all. I thought she had a perfect body!" I went to my blog post and read what I wrote. And wow. Horribly written garbage. I know what I meant by it, but no context with it. I could see plain as day why she felt shamed. I would have felt the exact same way if it were me in her shoes. I deleted what I wrote shortly thereafter, so this isn't exactly verbatim, but as close as my memory can get. I wrote something really close to this, "I caught up to a woman wearing a size too small bun huggers with her ass hanging out." You're reading this and thinking that's it's horrible, right? Well of course. It is horrible. There's no context written there to explain it. But here's what I meant by it (reminder, that my explanations mean nothing in the end, but I still want to explain it). It was actually supposed to be a comical remark about bun huggers. I know you're like, "What? That's not funny," and I know. I've joked about bun huggers with friends saying things like they always look like their too small so they ride up their asses and how is it comfortable to run with your ass hanging out. And that's not a dig on the bodies of women at all. I've seen those things ridden up on the fittest of the fit. It was about bun huggers. It was such an inside joke that how could this person I wrote this about have any idea? She couldn't at all. I didn't even write in such a way that anyone could take what I wrote as anything other than shaming this woman. Why did I even write this in the first place? Because I wasn't thinking.
I followed this with something like, "You may think I'm being negative, but I'm not. I was actually super jealous. If you got it, flaunt it." Honestly, when I caught up behind her, I thought she looked perfect. Super fit and fast and intimidating. There's nothing more intimidating than a woman in bun huggers. :) Seriously. If I'm in a trail race and I can only catch someone through a technical section, it means she is faster than me. And she was dressed the part of a serious, fast runner. She WAS faster than me and would proceed to have me running scared the entire race. Only my technical trail running skills gave me the upper hand that day.
I then followed that with what was supposed to be making fun of myself which is something I do all the time. I laugh at my faults. I wrote about my ridiculous full-coverage running skirt and demi sports bra. This was supposed to imply that I was wearing that because I could never pull off bun huggers. People would be vomiting behind me. And also that I was wearing a demi bra because of my lack of boobs. I was purposely body shaming myself in jest. But when I reread this, it really wasn't clear that's what I meant. I know that's what I meant, but everything was just lost in the context on the reader. Me writing that I was jealous was meant to be compliment, but it was just so poorly written that none of it read as what I meant or had intended.
What I meant or intended didn't matter, though. If all context is lost and all that's left are the words on the "paper", then it's going to be misunderstood. And it was. With good reason. All of the people who commented on the IG post who had read what I wrote also interpreted it as body shaming. And that's all that matters. What I wrote hurt someone, and for that, I was completely in the wrong. It was out of line, and I was ashamed. I still am. This has been eating away at me for 4 days now. On my mind constantly. The damage is done, and it's been MONTHS of it. Meaning that this woman has been feeling put down and hurt for a long time. All of my excuses mean nothing.
At first, I really didn't know what to do to make it right since I don't believe there is really a way to make it right. The damage has been done; that hurt she has felt is now deep. But as I sat there just staring at this Instagram post feeling like the biggest asshole in the world, I knew I had to do something. First, I went to the blog and deleted everything I wrote that I believed was hurtful. I thought it was the right thing to do, although I don't know if it was. I'm not trying to brush it under the rug; I just made an assumption that this woman did not want these things I wrote associated with her. I didn't delete it as if it never existed, though. I made a note with each one that I had deleted something and a vague reason why. Next, I knew I had to apologize. So I did it right there on that Instagram post. I felt a public apology was the best thing to do. Like I said, it won't fix much at this point, but it was the least I could do.
I'm still very upset with myself that I made someone feel body shamed. I've had to ask myself why this happened. Well, I certainly wasn't thinking of how this person would feel if she read it, that's for sure. I write with a stream of consciousness and forget that not everyone knows me and my sense of humor and may be visiting my blog for the first time. The context could be completely lost. This experience has taught me to rethink what I may write about a competitor. Keep it objective and in the running/racing realm. Rarely, someone pulls a jerk move, but in general we're all out there for the same reason, and the competition part is fun.
I'm not afraid to admit I was wrong. I don't mind the public shaming I received on Instagram and wherever else this ended up. I deserved it. Although not a fun experience, I needed to be called out on this. My only wish is that I had come across this sooner. For months, I've been walking around like a moron, ignorant to the harm I had caused. I wish I could have tried to make it right sooner. But you can't go back in time.
This didn't flow quite liked it did in my head the last 4 days, but I hope it all came across clearly. I should add that this person I shamed beat me in the next race we competed in. I'm sure that felt good. Haha. I know our paths will cross again. My hope is that she can forgive me and we can have that friendly competition that I have with nearly all of the women I've raced against in my lifetime. I'll understand if she can't, though.
I want to end this with some humor by saying I should be punished and forced to wear the ugliest, most unflattering pair of bun huggers/shorts to the 2019 version of this race and then be required to post a photo of them from behind at the top of my blog post. Haha. All she has to do is say the word, and I'll do it.
I thought this was an appropriate song...
Oh that sucks for everyone. I remember that race...
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