Stupidity Recovery

View of Mt Washington from Mt Chocorua

As per Beth's request, I will keep the blog and stream of consciousness going even while I'm not running. Haha. As I recover my legs from my stupid mistakes, I'm realizing just how much my life revolves around running and intense exercise. Other than that, my life is extremely boring. Haha. Kind of sad since I actually am a lot of fun when given a chance. John mostly does his own thing now when he's at home so my mom role is dwindling down to dragging him out for walks, feeding him, telling him to bring his dishes to the sink, do his homework, brush his teeth and put his laundry away. Haha. We do have fun conversations on our walks, but outside of that, I'm realizing just how super dull my life is. There are no groups to join. No activities offered in this "community" (if you can call it that). Anything that one could do costs more than I can afford. I know that I am in the wrong place. I take advantage of the nature part of this place; it's what I love about it. I love my house. But this community isn't for me.

I daydreamed of my Mega Millions win and what I would do with my winnings. So much of it was involved in making this a better place for the locals by investing in spaces where they could be active indoors and actually afford it. It involved giving mega $ to John's school. I thought of all of the people in my life I would give money to, those who have been generous to me knowing I couldn't return it in kind. For myself, I thought of how I could fix up my house and buy my dream car, the new Subaru Ascent (pretty sure someone tapped into my brain to create the exact car that I've wanted for a long time, but now they taunt me with it as I drive past the Subaru dealer every day with the two Ascents looking down at me from the top of the hill). I'd buy all of the cool contraptions to keep my body healthy and fit for running. Regular massage. Buying a place near the city/ocean. Taking John to Europe. You know you won't win these things, but it gave me some "what if" fun to think about for a week. When it was over, it was back to thinking of how dull and pitiful my life really is, but also made me ask myself what can I do about it. I have to change something. I need to figure it out. But like I always write in this blog, I don't know what to do to change it. I feel like life is passing me by right now. I've done so much in my 42 years that I can't complain, but it's all fading away with time, and right now, I don't have much of a story to tell. Without running, I really have nothing that makes me excited and moves me forward every day. I'm starting to just go through the motions. I don't feel depressed. I think anxious is more like it. I'm not generally an anxious person, but I can't think of a better word to describe it. A lot of it could have to do with being in one place for so long. Up until 2011, I hadn't lived in one place for longer than 1.5 years since I was 22. I've been here for 7.5 years now and I still have no "place". No friends, only acquaintances. I live as if I'm always on the verge of leaving, but I'm not.

But, anyway, the point of all of this is that the last week has been tough. My muscles NEEDED to recover so I really had to take a step back and not do anything heavy with the legs. As you know, I normally would substitute running with spinning or something high intensity, but this was different. I had to rest and recover. I'm seeing more clearly now just how stupid my decision to run Baystate really was. The after affects of it have been worse than I thought. I'm not saying I haven't had any fun this past week, but I feel a little lost and empty since I've now had to keep myself from doing normal activities. How do other people do it?! How do they stay so sedentary? How do they live with work being all their lives are about? It makes me think about the people in Wall-E. They are real. They exist. And I'm feeling like them. Ugh.

Ok. I'm definitely being overly dramatic. Haha. I think this is actually normal for those of us obsessed with running. Please. No counterpoint with that. I want to believe I'm right. Haha. My first ever running injury was a sprained ankle in 2013. I took off a week from running. By day 4, I was on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the closet door sobbing because I just wanted to run. Hahaha. I was much more miserable in my regular life then that running is what saved me. I'm not quite that bad now. I'm not crying about it. I have found something to focus on. And this extreme lack of intense exercise is only temporary. But man, how much it suppresses you. Now, I see why so many people are on anti-depressants. Not saying running helps everyone, but I bet there a lot out there who would be off of those medications if they started running. I really don't know the point of anything I just wrote. I'll just say it was all for Beth's benefit at her request to keep my blah, blah, blahs going. You're welcome, Beth! Or is it... I'm sorry? Hahaha.

So what have I focused on? Well, my ass! Literally. My beee-hind is what started this injury mess. So back in the summer of 2014, I really started mountain running hard and fast. I was also lifting weights 3 days a week at that time. I had amazing glutes. Powerhouses. I wasn't injured, and having that ass is what powered me to being suddenly faster than I'd ever been in my life. Those glutes were activated! Haha. But, anyway, here is a before flat, weak ass photo. Hopefully, the next one will show progress on the road to getting that 2014 ass back.

My current flat ass state of affairs

So, like I said, I wouldn't have shared these if it hadn't all gone away with gravity. It started with that gluteal tendon tear in 2015 and then cross-training for 8 weeks only doing things that didn't use much of my glutes. It didn't occur to me until recently that that right-sided glute pain that I had for the first 6 months following my return to running was actually the beginning of my current injury. I spent SO much of 2016 focused on road running and training for 4 road marathons that I didn't realize I'd never restrengthened my glutes. They weren't firing/activating. I was using way more of my hamstrings and quads than I should have, and by the end of the year following the Manchester City Marathon, I had my first ever issue with my hamstrings. I still say to this day that I've never been right since the 2016 Manchester City Marathon, and that's not an exaggeration. I was on that slippery slope until suddenly, the last week of February 2017, I ran a 22 mile run on Thursday and felt some slight soreness in my glutes when I finished. Three days later, I ran the Granite State Snowshoe Championship, and that was the beginning of the end. Two days later, the description under my run was, "Ran easy. Hamstrings and glutes are wicked sore." By the end of that week, I was in a lot of pain. I took 3 days off thinking it was just soreness so I wanted to be ready for the New Bedford HM that weekend. It was this race that I realized something was really wrong when I was unable to get any power from my glutes into the headwind. High Hamstring Tendinopathy. And the rest is history. I did better in 2017 with it by staying more off the road and running a lot of mountains and trails which I think actually made my glutes strong enough to get through the year, but it finally caught up to me...as we all know and are probably super bored of reading about it.

I just wish I had paid attention to do what I needed to do to prevent the problem and then nip it in the bud in the beginning, but it's a stupid injury I could run with so I half ignored it. Well, I've now learned I'm fucked if I don't do the things I need to do to fix it. So after searching Google for the right workout for my butt, Facebook's creepy spying and algorithm finally sent me the right ad in my feed. Simple daily 30 min exercises specifically targeting glute strengthening and activation, while also allowing me to continue the leg recovery. 21 Day Booty Core. I know that title sounds silly, and it's all exercises I know how to do, but I really need the instruction to keep me using the glutes throughout the workout. Day 1 was really easy, but as weak as my glutes are, I still felt it. Now, after Day 5, my entire ass is actually sore. Crazy. Just from 5 30-min workouts. I could have been doing this all along! It's so simple. And crazy, just after 5 days, I'm finding myself squeezing my ass as I'm sitting and driving, without even thinking about it.

This glute activation is just the beginning. I have a greater plan leading all the way up to Boston. It's time to focus, get strong again. Be serious about my training. That doesn't mean I'm going to do any stupid LONG cool downs after races. I still say, "Fuck that. Take me to the beer." But I need to get back in the mindset I had in the 8 weeks leading up to the 2015 Vermont City Marathon. That was successful because I made it a priority. I focused. I changed my diet to be leaner and healthier. I envisioned that first sub-3 every day, through every run. The power of the mind and positivity played a huge roll in my success. I want to come out on the other side knowing that I gave 110% of my effort in my training and on race day so that whatever the outcome, I'm not disappointed.

That's my greater goal. Can I do it? Well, if I can heal myself up properly, first off. So that's where I am now, and like I said before, I'm not done running yet for the season. I want to finish off my plan. Yeah, that's dumb, but I'm doing it. I may run Friday and Saturday this week instead of just waiting until the XC meet, but it will be easy running and ONLY if I have zero soreness in my legs. I decided to spend money that I shouldn't and go see Tina Carr for a deep tissue massage tomorrow. I need it SO badly. Like every part of my body is mess. I'm hoping she can really work out the legs for me. Tina has done wonders for me in the past. It's a shame I haven't been able to continue seeing her because I probably would be much better off right now.

As my top photo suggests, I did have some fun this week. The weather was majorly crappy over the weekend, but I lucked out with two decent hikes. Tuesday didn't start off well since I had a dentist appointment. My company is so cheap that it changed dental insurance on us and only ONE place in the area accepts it. I had to leave my awesome dentist here in Conway for the low-cost county dental office. That doesn't mean it's poor care, but it didn't have the feel of a small dental office. The lady who cleaned my teeth was really cool, though. What sucks is that if I had been able to stay with my old dentist, he would have been able to thoroughly examine my root canal that he did two years ago. I've been having issues with it for the last year now. He was one of the few dentists still around who was able to do all of that work without sending me out to an endodonsist, but now, I'm being referred out to one. I don't even know if my insurance will cover it either so I may not go if it doesn't. I wish I had just had him pull the tooth initially. I paid over $3000 of my own money for that root canal after the insurance maxed out.

As soon as the appointment was over, it was time to get out for a hike. Yay! It was only a short drive back to Albany to hike up White Ledge with Phoenix. It was very gloomy and we got a little misting, but the real rain didn't start until we got back to the car. So it ended up being a really nice hike. Phoenix had so much fun. 4.8 miles total. Had to be a shorter hike so that I could pick up John on time.

Wet dog after coming in from the rain that night

Thursday I worked at the track for my second to last detail there. I got in two 2-mile walks during the day. The views were beautiful, but the wind was cold. Started Day 1 of the Booty Core when I got home.

Snow on the Sandwich Range

Tuesday's rain meant snow in the mountains. I so wasn't ready for it. I used to be excited about the first snow and would get out in it as soon as possible. The last two years, I've had no desire. After being tortured with clearing that white crap, my enthusiasm has waned. My original plan was to find a hike that avoided it, but I realized I needed to get up there in it for a change of attitude. Mt Chocorua glowed with beautiful white in the sun. The skies were blue. I knew I had to pick that one. I went with my usual route up via the Hammond Trail. Not knowing what the snow depth would be with snow drifts and such, I decided to bring along snowshoes. I'd end up not needing them at all, but the microspikes were a MUST. The Hammond Trail is my favorite because it sees so few people. On the way up, I would end up only running into the local dog walker whom I run into every single time I hike the Hammond Trail and then another hiker on his way down. I stopped to chat with him for a bit. He seemed like a really nice guy. I enjoyed our conversation.

Phoenix and I hiked on into the snow. And man, was it beautiful!! Omg. Seriously amazing. I kept stopping for photos. Couldn't help myself. By the time we got to the summit, we had it all to ourselves. I could see a group of 5 or 6 people hiking down and was glad I missed them. We didn't stay long because it was cold, although not overly windy. From the summit back down, it was slow going with footing in the boot prints. I wished I'd had my Leki poles for this part, but they still need new tips. The rest of hike was uneventful and gave me time to get lost in thought. 7.9 miles total. A little slower than normal with the snow and still sore legs. I'm still not ready for the snow, but today made me happy.

She got stuck in a 1.5ft deep boot hole. Haha.

I went straight from there down to the Ossipee Hannaford for groceries and used my coffee card at Irving for a free coffee. Haha. Their coffee isn't bad. By the time I got to John's school, I was warmed up and had some time to sit in my car before John was done. And that's when I got a message request from the guy I had chatted with on the mountain. A friend request followed that. I'd been Facebook stalked. First red flag since that meant he pretty much did that right away. Second red flag was the last sentence of his message since it included the word "love" in it. "Love to stay connected with you..." The ultimate red flag was the first thing I saw after looking at his profile.

Ok. What the fuck is it with me and my married guy magnet?! I must have a sign on my back that says, "I enjoy being used, treated like an invisible person and then tossed out with the trash when I become too real and no longer exciting." No, I know. It's because I seem fun. And you're damn right I'm fun, but I'm not for someone to take advantage of. I don't know if that was his intention or not. He could be completely innocent, but it just seemed way too desperate and gave me a bad vibe. And I know that sometimes you might meet someone who immediately gives you that feeling that you have to get to know this person, whether you're married or not, but it never ends up well. People just end up hurt. No one goes into that type of situation with bad intentions. Feelings are feelings. But no way am I testing those waters, especially after he went even further by stalking me on IG later that night. Followed me, liked my photo and then yesterday, commented on it saying he hoped to run into me again sometime. A happily married man doesn't do that. So, yeah, I did not respond, and I will not respond. If I run into him again, I'll be friendly but leave it at that and move on. Where the hell are the cool single guys? Oh yeah, I forgot... running far away from me. Guys don't like independent women. They want to feel needed all the time. But just because I don't need a man doesn't mean I want to be completely alone all the time. I'm just capable of taking care of myself and having my own life outside of a relationship. There's no codependence with me, but there is no one more loyal and giving than I am when I'm with someone I feel deeply about. So anyway, major tangent, but this incident actually really pissed me off. I was pretty angry about it all night. And who knows, this guy probably stalked my blog by now and will read this. I actually hope that I'm wrong about his intentions, but I don't think I am.

The weekend kind of sucked. Saturday brought almost 3 inches of heavy, wet snow at my house. I got out in time to make it to the dump but then we stayed in until I had to go back out to work registration for the White Mountain Milers Half Marathon. I did get Phoenix and Chill out for a walk from home in the snow. I was not amused. The snow can stay up high in the mountains. This was just gross snow.

Not amused

The roads were still a bit sketchy for my drive into North Conway. I was a little bummed that bib pick up was moved from the Eastern Slope Inn to the tent at Schouler Park. It was still fun, but by the time it was over over 2 hours later, I was frozen to the core.

Volunteers at bib pick up. I realized that I've volunteered for this race in some form or another every year now since 2012. I can't bring myself not to help out.

Plans to pick up John after to go to the Haunting at the Parsonsfield Seminary changed. They postponed it due to the weather. That was fine with me. I was so cold that I had to go home and get in a hot bath to warm up.

Sunday was another cold, bitter morning with rain. I was back out at the Half Marathon to volunteer at the Half of the Half start/relay exchange. It was a light rain almost the whole time, and I was once again frozen after standing out there for over 2 hours. I was bummed I hadn't jumped in the Half Marathon since I really do miss running this race, but it would have been dumb. Glad I didn't know I would have won it easily just running a slow pace. The winning women's time was 1:38. Oh well, smart move not to, and I couldn't afford it anyway. Haha.

Start of the Half of the Half

I finally dragged John out of the cave for a walk in the afternoon with Chill and Phoenix to Spot's swimming hole. It was only 2.8 miles but still a nice hike. John talked to me about his favorite anime almost the whole time. And then we discussed the movie his school was going to see on Monday. The Hate You Give. I haven't had a chance to follow up with him on that yet.

This morning was my first Monday back in North Conway for 24s! I used to have the Monday 24 hour shift here until I gave it up to work at the chiropractor's office in 2014. Well, now I have it back! And let me share with you the difference between my Monday here compared with my Mondays in Tamworth.

What's that?! No dishes in the sink?!

Clean stove  top with a brownie for us

Wait a minute. Did someone empty the trash at the end of their shift?!

Needless to say, we were much happier this morning. Truck check was nothing out of the ordinary. Easy peasy. I was able to do my workout in the upstairs spare room and then walked around the ambulance bay and up and down the stairs. No annoying coworkers. You can't beat it. Yay.

Once I'm really running again, these will be good winter training at work.

So that's my last week. Next week will actually have a race report! I'm not expecting to do well at the XC meet after nearly doing nothing for 2 weeks, but I really enjoy doing it so I'll be there. Plus it's the last event in the All-Terrain Series. I can't win the masters division since there is no "best of" and all races count, but that doesn't matter. I still want to finish it. I will have only missed Wachusett. I'm looking forward to seeing my running people and being back in the land of the living. I still have $45 to Doyle's so we'll probably go there after for lunch. Should be a good day. I'm planning to run again the weeks after that while also starting the cross training I've picked. Insanity Max 30. I did about 3 rounds of the original Insanity when it was released and loved it. I like the 30 minute thing because I'll combine it with some sort of 30 minute strength training program, which I haven't picked out yet. I'll start that when I finish the first round of the Booty Core workout. I'll still be hiking when I can. So that's the agenda until I start my real time off around Thanksgiving.