On the downside though, this whole coming to terms with my decision to back off has left me with quite a bit of anxiety. A lot of sleepless nights through the weekend and into the following week. Questioning it constantly. The anxiety will fade, but right now, it's tough, especially since I feel like so much else has already just gone to shit. I blame my negativity lately for a lot of it; I'm just not fun to be around or talk to lately, and I know I'm a difficult person at times anyway. It's one of the reasons I rarely subject myself to anyone. If I let you into my world, it's kind of big deal since I rarely do that with anyone since I either fuck it up or they see how much I suck, whichever one comes first. I'm also extremely picky about who I let in, but it seems even then I've let a few bad ones get through because they seemed nice and I was too trusting, like for example that last one (Mistake the Snake) who was a total phony, just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear to lure me in. Maybe I need to be MORE picky now and just keep most of me to myself for awhile until I'm in a better place. Pouring all of my shit onto one person isn't fair. That's what this blog is for...all of my shit, even though, by the time you read this, it will be weeks from now. I also needed to spare the few people who read this my negativity for a bit. Plus, my motivation to write anything right now is low. Too much stress over this and my doomed race at the Vermont City Marathon coming up, so I'm going to sit quiet for a bit. I want to have a positive blog post to immediately follow this post before I publish it.
On that note, time to spin this in a positive direction! My energy has still been high, honestly back to feeling like myself. I'm 100% convinced now that it was anemia I was dealing with. Yay! I finally did my first REAL long run since February! Energy-wise I felt great. The snow is gone, and I was able to run the Moat Mineral Site trails again. Another yay! The sunshine has been amazing, and I'm already insanely tan, like seriously close to my mid-summer tan. I needed that Vitamin D almost as much as I needed the iron. Also, with my increased energy, I'm getting in all of the strength training I should be doing and the results are already noticeable. I'm even going to turn my intestinal issues into a positive in that I've been able to keep my weight down. I haven't lost anymore weight in the last two weeks. Staying right around 118 now which is perfect. Ideal race weight would be 116, but it really doesn't matter right now since no matter how fit I am, the high hamstring tendinopathy isn't going to allow me any speed. But, if I'm lucky, it may turn out like last year when the pain dissipated once I got off the roads for awhile. We'll see! Other positives... the plantar fasciitis is still there, but it's very minimal most of the time. I'm kind of nervous that it's going to come back since all of my shoes are really worn down to the point of nearly no tread in spots, but I'm hoping it will hang in there until I can get a new pair of shoes. Fingers crossed. And oh oh! My one tulip bloomed!
Running for the week...since this was once just a running blog. Haha. Took two zeros as planned on Monday and Wednesday. Definitely the right call! My tendons need it badly. The rest of me hates it, but I know I'm better for it. Still managed 54 miles on 5 days of running. That's not bad at all. I probably screwed up Saturday's race by doing too much climbing/mountain running the two days before, but I'm kind of training-dumb like that. The 5K race still ended up being good speed work at least. Haha. 5,548ft of elevation gain for the week. Even though I'm picking up a lot of Thursday shifts at the race track that will cut into my running, I'm still planning to get that elevation gain up in the coming weeks and especially after VCM when I hit the mountain running hard. I'll also be getting back to my track Tuesday workouts, I think, even though I'm a little unsure still of how I want my weekly runs to work out after I recoup from VCM. This week marks the last week of racing until VCM. Two weekends straight of no racing! EGADS! Haha. Next weekend, I'll be focused on putting on my own race anyway. Speaking of, I have a lot of work to do between now and then. Yikes.
Monday, April 30, 2018- I had planned to get up and start my new workouts to strengthen my glutes, but as soon as I stood up, the tendons screamed so I got back in bed. Haha. I'd say most of the tendon thing was probably more from the 3-hour drive home from Sleepy Hollow the day before as opposed to the actual racing. I felt it was the right call. I would still get in a 2-mile walk on the treadmill and an ab workout over the course of my 24 hour shift.
Monday started off with this...
Honestly, who does this? This is a BIOHAZARD! It took me 2-3 minutes to change out the sharps container, and it only took that long because I had to search the place for one. This is just absolutely unacceptable, but these are the people I work with. I know. I know. I need to get out of there. I will. I'm just biding my time.
Jen and I actually stayed pretty busy all day, not just with calls, but we went shopping at Ocean State Job Lots for awhile. That's high end shopping in Ossipee! I even snagged a $1 sweater! Hahaha.
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| Classy! |
Stupidvisor showed up at the base with some notices about supplies that he hung up on the wall which the owner of the building was adamant we not do. Haha. Long story short. We don't have the supplies we need. We never do. We especially don't have what we need at the Tamworth base because Stupidvisor and his minion are hoarding them all at the North Conway base. These notices were basically hung up for Jen and me because we keep bringing supplies to Tamworth from North Conway. They just don't get it, and these new "rules" are not feasible. It's not happening. Sorry. I had a fun outburst after I read them.
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| That was better than tearing them down. |
Our two transports were literally back-to-back since we just happened to be right there at the scene when the second 911 came in. Both patients were the type that make you hate people, but I did my job and put on my kindness hat. It's part of what I signed up for as an EMT. As we were leaving Huggins Hospital after the second transport, Alton's ambulance had to show up and put us to shame...
The night was quiet until a 4am tone woke us all up. The other crew was up for the call, but this was the type of tone that will get all of us up. "Stage for an assault for a stab wound to the neck." Then, "Request from the PD for the ambulance to expedite. CPR is in progress." The other crew had already headed out, but CPR in progress meant we had to follow. Then all of a sudden the address sunk in and Jen and I realized who it was. This was no assault; he did it to himself. This was the same call where we had to work with the awful paramedic a month before. Intentional overdose. We were halfway to this call when we were cancelled. No more CPR. They called it. A huge part of me wishes we could have let him just pass away peacefully a month before because, as we would learn a short time later, he did not go peacefully. Instead he brutally murdered himself. And I use the word "murdered" because he didn't just commit suicide. He made himself suffer greatly before he died. And for those police officers who stood on the edge of the lake helplessly watching him stab himself in the neck 12 times, it must have been horrifying. I'm glad we never made it to that scene. A lot of people in this business get off on that type of thing, but that's not something I ever want to see. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. To do that to yourself. I just can't imagine. So horrible.
Tuesday, May 1, 2018- Needless to say, I definitely needed that long run this morning. And it was a perfect morning. The weather was amazing. I needed a long run where I could just get inside my head for awhile with no distractions. It didn't keep me from losing focus, though. In fact, I'm realizing that since I started taking the iron supplement that I haven't had trouble focusing on my runs. I could still think about things as I ran, but I didn't let myself drift so far off that I would lose my effort. And, yes, effort over pace. This is not the kind of course where I could focus on pace. It was all effort. There are just too many long, steep climbs that if you focused on pace over effort, you'd be crying. I did look at my watch occasionally, but mostly out of curiosity. Haha. This is not an easy run, especially since it starts off mostly downhill making it easy to start off too fast. It has destroyed me before. The second time I ran it in 2015, back when I was much, much faster than I am now, it was a humid 90 degrees at the start of that run and 78 when I finished. I was so dehydrated and beat by the time I finished that I was so sick. It actually knocked me out for about 3 days. Today, the weather was beautiful, and I ran it the same exact pace as that hot day in 2015. I could have been disappointed, but I honestly felt great energy-wise. I just can't run fast uphill or towards the end of a run. The tendons are just holding me back, but it was ok. I finally finished a long run and didn't knock me out. :) 19 miles total in 2:28:47. 7:49 avg pace, with my fastest mile at 7:15 and my slowest at 9:04 with every thing in between. Haha. 1,532ft of elevation gain. This may be slower than I want, but I was super happy with it.
I kind of had to rush a bit to shower and then head over to John's school early. I had volunteered to help with the yard sale at the spring fair and the other person asked if I could meet her at 2pm to start going through stuff. I wanted to get there early to take the dogs on a walk first. As usual the school dog joined us. Haha. I didn't lose her this time.
When I got back, I walked in the school and actually got to see John in his school environment for the first time. They were on a break from class and he was in there hanging out laughing and running around with a friend. I tried to get a photo, but I only caught one of him running back to class. Haha.
2pm came and went. I didn't know the woman I was meeting, but I asked around and found out she had been there earlier but left. Hmm. So I emailed her and waited around; sat on the porch then pet the farm animals. The lambs were so cute. The ram was the funniest since he kept moving the other sheep out of the way to be pet. He was so cute following me as I walked along the fence. 2:30pm came. I hadn't heard back. I'll admit I was a little annoyed since I had A LOT of errands to run in North Conway, and now it was too late for me to do them before John was out of school. She never showed and never replied so I ended up just taking another walk doing the entire Jackman Pond Trail this time, with just Chill and Phoenix (I almost just wrote "Spot" :( ).
This week was spirit week at John's school. Wednesday was Character Day, and of course John chose to dress as his favorite anime character, Ken Kaneki.....
So...John asked me to bleach his hair and get him black nail polish and an eye patch. Haha. I have only bleached my own hair once back in college and forgot how much it itched. The poor kid. Hahaha. 40 minutes of agony. I didn't do it perfectly since I didn't really know what I was doing. He ended up wearing all black the next day.
He was excited to go to ninja class with his bleached hair that night. Meanwhile, I had a pretty awesome beer that Steve gave me. So good!
Wednesday, May 2, 2018- I got up early to start the first in the Lifted Butt Series workout by Zuzka Light. It was a good workout, but I found that it was working my hamstrings, inner thighs and quads more so than the butt, but I decided to continue with the Series to see if it got more glute specific. That was 20 minutes, and I felt like I got a good workout in. I felt it was time better spent than an easy 4 miles on the treadmill.
Jeff and I have been fighting a battle with the minion who thinks he owns the place and thinks his way is the right way, but no one likes the way he sets stuff up so we all move it. He moves it back and gets pissy. One of our beefs is that he likes things so overly organized that it's impractical. Emesis bags should be in a place for a quick grab and not in a cabinet right above the patient's head where Minion puts them. Do you really want to reach in the line of vomit fire to get an emesis bag out of a closed cabinet? NO. Everyone knows those go in the Action Area. Hint. Hint. "Action" has meaning here. So we move them there...they get moved back. Last week, Jeff tried to hint to Minion that emesis bags go in the action area by taping down the bottom one to show, "These go here."
Minion removed it and put them back in the cabinet. So today, Jeff decided to be funny (and I'm not sure they got the joke) by using a seal to hook the bottom emesis back to the action area. Stupidvisor and Minion are obsessed with sealing cabinets in the back up trucks while using up our supply of seals so that the Paramedic and Advanced EMT boxes in Tamworth had no seals for TWO weeks. Seals with numbers are extremely important with the drugs to keep track of their flow. Drugs in ambulances are not a right; they're a privilege granted by a hospital. Those boxes being unsealed and therefore undocumented are enough to get our drugs pulled by Huggins Hospital. But, no, let's useu up all the seals in North Conway to hoard much-needed supplies in the back up trucks. Ugh. So that's why Jeff wasted a seal. To make fun of them for using them.
Fortunately/unfortunately, we came back after our call (oh today was "general illness" day!), to find Stupidvisor and Minion going through one of our trucks out of Tamworth... our 4th truck in Tamworth... the 4th truck required by the town contracts to be in Tamworth... which was now in North Conway... thus violating the contract. I honestly can't stand the two of them so I went into the crew office to write my report from the 911 and then start the billing stuff. Jeff decided to hound them for probably an hour over the whole supply thing. Within 5 minutes, I watched Stupidvisor start to pitch a fit in the back of the ambulance literally almost breaking one of the doors off. Temper tantrums are his norm. He's smashed things before and for stupid reasons. He's so unprofessional. I just shook my head. Anyway, Jeff was able to explain to Minion the emesis bag issue and lo and behold, he got it! Emesis bags are now being left in the action area! Haha. The rest of it went right over their heads. They didn't restock the truck they were working on even though we had some of the supplies here. Instead they took it back down to Tamworth with 24 missing items REQUIRED by the State. Granted most of those we don't have at all, but I can't understand why they didn't restock what we did have, but that's them.
Anyway, today was a hot day. I went out in the sun but could only tolerate about a half hour before getting too hot. So I did some abs and then worked on my last blog post... that I still haven't posted as I write this one. Jeff and I went for ice cream at Trail's End later. It was definitely an ice cream day. It was supposed to be ME treating Jeff since it was his birthday this week, but he wouldn't let me and paid for both! Seriously one of the most generous people I know. The night was really nice so I walked in circles around the building for 1.5 miles. Haha. Sounds crazy, but if you're hyper like me and you worked this job, you'd do the same thing. :)
Thursday, May 3, 2018- I was really happy to have a Thursday without driving. Plus, the brakes on my car were so bad that it wasn't safe to do a long drive today anyway. I had noticed after I left Midas the week before that I all of a sudden had a burning brake smell coming from the rear tire. Hmm. That's new...yeah, you know where that's going. Anyway, I was also really excited to finally run the trails at the Moat Mineral Site again! I love running here, but it's never packed down enough to run it in the winter. Today was finally the day. I planned to do my long loop which in my memory was 12.5 miles. Usually I'm way off with this, but not today! It was, in fact, 12.5 miles (well...GPS miles). I love it back here. Never boring. A waterfall, a mountain and all single track (unless you run the FS roads). The temperature wasn't crazy warm today, but it was really humid. I ended up a little dehydrated by the end and should have brought a gel or something for fuel. 2.5 hours of challenging trail running is a long time to be without water or fuel when it's humid. I had some moments of missing Spot while I was out there. She's accompanied me on many runs out here over the years. In fact, she was with me the very first time I did run here. She got swatted on the ass by a bear out here, too. Poor Spot. I miss her a lot lately. Got caught in the rain the last two miles, but it felt good. Moving time was 2:21:44 for the 12.5 miles with 2,051ft of elevation gain.
I went straight home and went right for the best fuel...
I hung out at home for awhile since it was pouring rain. Once it stopped, I took Phoenix to the Albany Town Forest for a 2 mile walk. It feels so good having energy again! Still kicking myself for not trying the iron supplement sooner. I'm so dumb sometimes.
As I had promised myself, I took myself out to the Stonehurst Manor for a belated birthday dinner to finally use the $50 gift certificate I'd been hanging on to for well over a year. I checked the menu ahead of time (something I always do) to see what I wanted that wouldn't go over $50. I had $10 cash for the tip, and that's all of the money I wanted to spend. I'll be honest that I felt silly and kind of like a loser getting dressed up to go out by myself, but I'm glad I did it. It was nice to go out to an expensive restaurant with really good food and drink wine and pretend like I belonged there...even though I didn't. Haha. It ended up being really nice, though. Although the hostess looked familiar, I didn't realize until I was leaving that she knew who I was. It explained why she came over twice during the dinner to make sure everything was ok and also why she sat me where she did, halfway behind a curtain instead of the middle of the dining room looking like a loser by herself. I already felt like a fraud being there in the first place, so it was nice not to be where all eyes could be on me. And funny. I was sat right under a painting that looked almost like my one tulip. :)
The food here is so good so I see why it's so expensive. The bread is homemade...and I ate the entire basket that's meant for 2 people. haha. I hate kale, but ordered the kale salad with bacon, butternut squash and potato fingerlings. Seriously the best salad I think I've ever had. Even though I was stuffed by the time the $30 pasta arrived, it was so good not to eat nearly all of it. The pasta is housemade and had shrimp, scallops and huge pieces of lobster in it. Omg. I was about to explode, but I couldn't waste any of the food, and seafood doesn't do well as a take-home meal for later. If there had been room and more money on my gift certificate, I would have ordered dessert, but it wasn't to be. Couldn't believe I just had a meal that cost me $47.... for just me! Haha. I'm glad I was able to enjoy the moment since the next day I got kicked right back in my proper place by Midas. Haha. On my way out, the hostess joined me and asked if I had a marathon training run planned for the next morning. That's when I realized she knew who I was. I'll be honest that I was a bit embarrassed that someone who knew me saw me eating there alone, but then again, it was also nice that she knew who I was. I felt badly that I couldn't place her.
This is me trying to take a selfie without anyone noticing. Then I realized I didn't care and got a better one.
2pm came and went. I didn't know the woman I was meeting, but I asked around and found out she had been there earlier but left. Hmm. So I emailed her and waited around; sat on the porch then pet the farm animals. The lambs were so cute. The ram was the funniest since he kept moving the other sheep out of the way to be pet. He was so cute following me as I walked along the fence. 2:30pm came. I hadn't heard back. I'll admit I was a little annoyed since I had A LOT of errands to run in North Conway, and now it was too late for me to do them before John was out of school. She never showed and never replied so I ended up just taking another walk doing the entire Jackman Pond Trail this time, with just Chill and Phoenix (I almost just wrote "Spot" :( ).
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| Leibling, the school dog, chilling on the porch. Gorgeous day. |
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| Cute lamb |
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| Friendly ram |
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| Jackman Pond |
This week was spirit week at John's school. Wednesday was Character Day, and of course John chose to dress as his favorite anime character, Ken Kaneki.....
So...John asked me to bleach his hair and get him black nail polish and an eye patch. Haha. I have only bleached my own hair once back in college and forgot how much it itched. The poor kid. Hahaha. 40 minutes of agony. I didn't do it perfectly since I didn't really know what I was doing. He ended up wearing all black the next day.
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| Not a great pic of him, but that's him in the back with all the other students who dressed up. Only 3 boys participated. Haha. |
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| By Proclamation Ale Company |
Jeff and I have been fighting a battle with the minion who thinks he owns the place and thinks his way is the right way, but no one likes the way he sets stuff up so we all move it. He moves it back and gets pissy. One of our beefs is that he likes things so overly organized that it's impractical. Emesis bags should be in a place for a quick grab and not in a cabinet right above the patient's head where Minion puts them. Do you really want to reach in the line of vomit fire to get an emesis bag out of a closed cabinet? NO. Everyone knows those go in the Action Area. Hint. Hint. "Action" has meaning here. So we move them there...they get moved back. Last week, Jeff tried to hint to Minion that emesis bags go in the action area by taping down the bottom one to show, "These go here."
Minion removed it and put them back in the cabinet. So today, Jeff decided to be funny (and I'm not sure they got the joke) by using a seal to hook the bottom emesis back to the action area. Stupidvisor and Minion are obsessed with sealing cabinets in the back up trucks while using up our supply of seals so that the Paramedic and Advanced EMT boxes in Tamworth had no seals for TWO weeks. Seals with numbers are extremely important with the drugs to keep track of their flow. Drugs in ambulances are not a right; they're a privilege granted by a hospital. Those boxes being unsealed and therefore undocumented are enough to get our drugs pulled by Huggins Hospital. But, no, let's useu up all the seals in North Conway to hoard much-needed supplies in the back up trucks. Ugh. So that's why Jeff wasted a seal. To make fun of them for using them.
Fortunately/unfortunately, we came back after our call (oh today was "general illness" day!), to find Stupidvisor and Minion going through one of our trucks out of Tamworth... our 4th truck in Tamworth... the 4th truck required by the town contracts to be in Tamworth... which was now in North Conway... thus violating the contract. I honestly can't stand the two of them so I went into the crew office to write my report from the 911 and then start the billing stuff. Jeff decided to hound them for probably an hour over the whole supply thing. Within 5 minutes, I watched Stupidvisor start to pitch a fit in the back of the ambulance literally almost breaking one of the doors off. Temper tantrums are his norm. He's smashed things before and for stupid reasons. He's so unprofessional. I just shook my head. Anyway, Jeff was able to explain to Minion the emesis bag issue and lo and behold, he got it! Emesis bags are now being left in the action area! Haha. The rest of it went right over their heads. They didn't restock the truck they were working on even though we had some of the supplies here. Instead they took it back down to Tamworth with 24 missing items REQUIRED by the State. Granted most of those we don't have at all, but I can't understand why they didn't restock what we did have, but that's them.
Anyway, today was a hot day. I went out in the sun but could only tolerate about a half hour before getting too hot. So I did some abs and then worked on my last blog post... that I still haven't posted as I write this one. Jeff and I went for ice cream at Trail's End later. It was definitely an ice cream day. It was supposed to be ME treating Jeff since it was his birthday this week, but he wouldn't let me and paid for both! Seriously one of the most generous people I know. The night was really nice so I walked in circles around the building for 1.5 miles. Haha. Sounds crazy, but if you're hyper like me and you worked this job, you'd do the same thing. :)
Thursday, May 3, 2018- I was really happy to have a Thursday without driving. Plus, the brakes on my car were so bad that it wasn't safe to do a long drive today anyway. I had noticed after I left Midas the week before that I all of a sudden had a burning brake smell coming from the rear tire. Hmm. That's new...yeah, you know where that's going. Anyway, I was also really excited to finally run the trails at the Moat Mineral Site again! I love running here, but it's never packed down enough to run it in the winter. Today was finally the day. I planned to do my long loop which in my memory was 12.5 miles. Usually I'm way off with this, but not today! It was, in fact, 12.5 miles (well...GPS miles). I love it back here. Never boring. A waterfall, a mountain and all single track (unless you run the FS roads). The temperature wasn't crazy warm today, but it was really humid. I ended up a little dehydrated by the end and should have brought a gel or something for fuel. 2.5 hours of challenging trail running is a long time to be without water or fuel when it's humid. I had some moments of missing Spot while I was out there. She's accompanied me on many runs out here over the years. In fact, she was with me the very first time I did run here. She got swatted on the ass by a bear out here, too. Poor Spot. I miss her a lot lately. Got caught in the rain the last two miles, but it felt good. Moving time was 2:21:44 for the 12.5 miles with 2,051ft of elevation gain.
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| Thompson Falls. My favorite waterfall here. |
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| Looking back at South Moat Mt on my way up Whitehorse Ledge |
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| Beaver Pond on the High School Loop. |
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| SO GOOD |
As I had promised myself, I took myself out to the Stonehurst Manor for a belated birthday dinner to finally use the $50 gift certificate I'd been hanging on to for well over a year. I checked the menu ahead of time (something I always do) to see what I wanted that wouldn't go over $50. I had $10 cash for the tip, and that's all of the money I wanted to spend. I'll be honest that I felt silly and kind of like a loser getting dressed up to go out by myself, but I'm glad I did it. It was nice to go out to an expensive restaurant with really good food and drink wine and pretend like I belonged there...even though I didn't. Haha. It ended up being really nice, though. Although the hostess looked familiar, I didn't realize until I was leaving that she knew who I was. It explained why she came over twice during the dinner to make sure everything was ok and also why she sat me where she did, halfway behind a curtain instead of the middle of the dining room looking like a loser by herself. I already felt like a fraud being there in the first place, so it was nice not to be where all eyes could be on me. And funny. I was sat right under a painting that looked almost like my one tulip. :)
The food here is so good so I see why it's so expensive. The bread is homemade...and I ate the entire basket that's meant for 2 people. haha. I hate kale, but ordered the kale salad with bacon, butternut squash and potato fingerlings. Seriously the best salad I think I've ever had. Even though I was stuffed by the time the $30 pasta arrived, it was so good not to eat nearly all of it. The pasta is housemade and had shrimp, scallops and huge pieces of lobster in it. Omg. I was about to explode, but I couldn't waste any of the food, and seafood doesn't do well as a take-home meal for later. If there had been room and more money on my gift certificate, I would have ordered dessert, but it wasn't to be. Couldn't believe I just had a meal that cost me $47.... for just me! Haha. I'm glad I was able to enjoy the moment since the next day I got kicked right back in my proper place by Midas. Haha. On my way out, the hostess joined me and asked if I had a marathon training run planned for the next morning. That's when I realized she knew who I was. I'll be honest that I was a bit embarrassed that someone who knew me saw me eating there alone, but then again, it was also nice that she knew who I was. I felt badly that I couldn't place her.
This is me trying to take a selfie without anyone noticing. Then I realized I didn't care and got a better one.
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John texted me just as I was leaving to ask if I was going to be home at the usual 11pm. Haha. I was happy to say no today since I could barely keep my eyes open on the drive home the last two Thursdays. I headed home turning on River Rd and just as I see another message from John pop up, I realize he and Bryan are parked right there by the river/water spigot. So I pull in and then realize my friend/former co-worker, Eric, is also there talking to Bryan. Then, John's old swim coach, Maury, pulls in to get water. It was a pow-wow at the water spigot. Hahahaha! I just grabbed John then so Bryan didn't have to bring John to the house (even though John's supposed to be with Bryan from Wednesday morning at 7am until 2pm on Friday). Bryan was unfriendly to me as always which still baffles me. I'm taking his son for him to his only home that I alone provide for him. You're welcome, Bryan. He could at least be friendly, but whatever. I talked to Eric for a little bit. Said hi to Maury, then we went home. Funny that my marriage to Bryan and Maury's marriage to his wife ended at almost the exact same time. A lot more drama with that one, though, and when it sucks to live in a small town. Maury was the best swim coach; I kind of miss John taking his swim class.
Friday, May 4, 2018- See! My week was actually really good...up until today. I couldn't afford the repairs on my car until today, after I got paid. It needed new front brakes (rotors and pads) in order to pass inspection so it had to be done. Ugh. I was told the week before they could do it for $388 total which included the inspection. Good thing I let that go to voicemail because they pretended to know nothing about it when I showed up for the appointment I had set up the week before. They had no record of me even being there. Second red flag. The first one should have been the sudden problem with a rear brake when I left there. She played dumb when I told her the cost she told me the week before until I said, "I have a voicemail." All of sudden, that cost was still valid.
Since I had no ride out of there, I went for a run. I had planned an easy road run but stupidly decided to run to the Thompson Rd trailhead for a run up Middle Mt. Way too much climbing over 2 days, but the mileage was short at least. Haha. I did run easy. Kept the pace super slow so that I didn't destroy myself.
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| On Middle Mt wearing the 2015 VCM shirt to remind me of what I'm not anymore. haha. |
As I began the last mile on the road back to Midas, I got a phone call from them. Yeah, so apparently I needed a new caliper and pads on a rear brake. Omg. New quote...$598. OMG. I literally burst into tears on the side of the road. I didn't know if I could do it, but I had to. The car was basically not driveable at this point. I had to hang up to check my account. If I moved the $200 I had in the savings account set aside for VCM weekend I could do it... so I did. It still left me with just over $100 to live off of for 2 weeks... that is until I remembered the $50 check my grandmother sent me for my birthday. I called the lady back and said to do it and then she decided to add that I needed to new windshield wipers to pass inspection and tried to add those onto my bill for $26 a piece. Ok WTF. First off, I've never heard of windshield wipers being a reason to fail a car for inspection and no one else has either. And second, there was nothing wrong with my windshield wipers. I told her absolutely not that I would walk to the auto parts place and get a cheaper pair. I couldn't believe this. I ran back fighting back tears. Happy to get the 6 miles in which made me a little calmer. I changed clothes and cried in the bathroom then walked almost a mile to Autozone where I got the cheapest wipers I could. The guy told me they were really bad and that I'd just be back for new ones soon. I said I didn't care and actually said the words, "They just destroyed me." I walked back, passing the Dunkin Donuts where I really wanted to buy a coffee, but I didn't. That walk back I felt like I was in a stupor. I kept thinking, "How did I come to this?" I'm in a place I never imagined I'd be. I still can't believe this is my life. I am such a loser. It was such a defeating moment. I didn't cry about it again, though. There was no use. At least my car would be driveable and pass inspection. It's my lifeline to the outside world. Sounds dramatic, but it really is true. Without it, I'd be so trapped; I wouldn't even be able to get to work. And certainly not races. It was the positive I focused on even though I felt numb.
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| Fitting napkin that was by the Midas Keurig |
I was told the car wouldn't be ready until the end of the day so I was going to be stuck there. My original plan had been to walk into the village and get a coffee and a muffin or bagel or something, but that wasn't happening. I had no water and I had to have something to eat so I walked to the gas station and bought the cheapest water they had and a double sized Snickers bar. Haha. The ice cream shop next door is still closed for the season so I decided to sit on their playground to eat my Snickers bar. Right after I sat down, I looked up at South Moat Mt and did a double-take. There was a helicopter sitting on top of it! Haha. I attempted a photo, and you can just make it out.
After it took off I could see that it was the yellow Canadian helicopter that had been in the area doing training here. Here's a photo that Roger Marcoux got of it when it landed at the Fryeburg airport sometime that week. It's huge!
That was cool to watch for a bit to take my mind off my pitiful existence. Yeah, yeah. You can tell me it's not pitiful, but it felt that way in this moment.
I went back to Midas to charge my phone for awhile. I couldn't really concentrate on anything so I just scrolled through boring Facebook where most posts are just Instagram photos I'd already seen that automatically share to FB (which I can't stand; pick one or the other) and other stupid things. I made myself a coffee in the Keurig then realized they only had powedered cream. I had a vision of holding the container of cream in the woman's face and screaming how I think they can afford real cream!!! Haha. That's when I saw the napkin and laughed to myself. Meanwhile another woman came in who would end up with the exact same diagnosis for her car. The words out of her mouth were the same as mine. "I don't know if I can afford that." And when the workers left the room I told her I was in the same boat. She said that was basically her whole paycheck, and I told her that it was nearly my whole paycheck as well. It was nice to finally have a moment with someone who genuinely knew what this life is like. You can't understand unless you're in it. You just can't. And when you are, the disbelief that it's reality is huge. But for a moment, I had someone who understood.
Once my phone was somewhat charged, I decided to take a walk down to the river via my old street in North Conway. I hadn't walked down there since we moved off of Valley View in 2013. It was crazy to see the damage and erosion the last storm had done. It created a new river bed through the middle of the corn field and washed out a huge chunk of the dirt road. Rivers are powerful things.
As I was just getting back to Midas, I see my car pull in the lot! Yay! The part had come earlier than expected and it was all fixed. I had arranged John to take the school van home, but now I could pick him up! I grabbed Phoenix on my way. And since I was starving, I toasted a bagel with butter. I put it in the car and realized I forgot something. I was gone like 30 seconds, but it was just enough time for a thief to steal half my bagel. She was very ashamed of herself. Haha.
We picked up John and went home for the night. Things that made me smile today: John, getting my car title and my new license in the mail. There's something positive!
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| New license photo |
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| old photo |
I decided to stay busy and did an upper body and abs workout. I was starting to feel better. I could get by. I would get by. Just had to be frugal. This situation was happening and I had no choice but to face it. And just when I was accepting it, I found out something I wasn't supposed to know about that led to me backing off from my close friend (that whole story I blabbed out at the beginning of this post). I probably said all the wrong things, and then I made the choice to be quiet for days. I responded when a message was sent my way, but I said nothing on my own. It was this night that I put up my "Intermission" blog post. I knew I needed to be quiet on here, too. I needed this time not to say anything. To work through my thoughts on what I wanted to do with this. Cut him off completely right now or just give myself time to calm down and then resume a more shallow friendship? This kept me up ALL NIGHT. I slept maybe an hour total. Like a broken record in my head. What a shit fucking day. Obviously, I would end up choosing the latter, and I'm happy about that, but it was over a week and a half before I got to that point, and it was only because he made the effort. If not, I probably would have been stubborn enough to never talk to him again.
Saturday, May 5, 2018- Children's Museum 5K
Getting up early wasn't a problem since I was already awake. Haha. Drove down to Dover which was so nice since it's such a "short" drive. I got there really early on purpose to get the parking space I like right by the start line. I got my bib number and just as I walked back to my car, Darin Brown pulled in and parked next to me. He's from here in the Valley where I live so it was nice to have a familiar face. There would end up being a few people here I knew which really made my day. Zach Switaj who's also from up here was there, even though he lives down there now. I'd also see Tim Horan who was just there on kid duty, Frank Nordaby (one of my RI 6HR relay teammates) and Hank on the Hill. I needed the company of these people more than they knew. It would be my only venture into the outside world this weekend so I needed the social interaction.
I would end up warming up by myself, though. Haha. I prefer it, honestly. I didn't run the course this time, but instead ran up 1.5 miles to the hospital, and it literally is all uphill, then ran all the way back down. The weather could have been considered really nice, but there was quite a headwind out there. I didn't care either way, though. I knew this was going to be bad. I could feel my tendons slowing me down even on the warm up. That, with the headwind, were going to make for a bad day for me. I lined up near the start line still next to Frank and behind the eventual women's winner.
The race course is the same as the last two times I've run it by starting with a long uphill for most of the first mile into a headwind for much of it. The first woman gaped me quickly, but no other women seemed to be anywhere near me. By mile one, we were out of the headwind and still climbing a bit until we got to the neighborhood downhill. I went all out here to make up for the slow first mile, but the downhill isn't long and since it's a loop it immediately climbs back up to where the downhill started. It flattens out back on the main road before forking left and starting the longer steep downhill. I once again went all out since the next part was an uphill, followed by mostly flat to the finish. This year we finished with a headwind, as well. Not much to say about this race really. I could feel that I was slow. My effort was there, but it was all I could do to run my slowest 5K since 2010. 19:43. So defeating. As soon as I crossed the line, I was met by Andy Schachat. He wasn't announcing today, just spectating. He immediately came over and said the right thing. "Did you have a good race? Did you feel ok?" THIS is what I want to hear. Not "good job". I don't like praise. I don't need praise. That doesn't mean I won't say thank you because I know you mean well, but I don't need it. I loved Andy's questions because it was a question I could answer truthfully and not feel horrible when someone says "good job" when it wasn't a "good job" in my mind. Yes, I was 2nd place, but my time was terrible. I ended up talking to Andy for a few minutes. It was honest conversation, and it was exactly what I needed at the finish line. Gave me a chance to talk it through so that when I walked away, I actually already felt better about it. Full Results
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| Photo by Kevin Sheedy |
My pace here was actually slower than I ran Doyle's a month before. Granted the elevation gain for this race is exactly the same as Doyle's but over only 3.1 miles instead of 5, but that's if I just want to start pulling excuses out of my excuse bag. My only legitimate excuse is that I actually am injured. I debated all week whether or not to drop from VCM. I'm honestly at the point where I don't know if I'll be able to even finish it. And I'm being dead honest. I'm not being negative or defeatist. There is a high possibility I may have to drop out.
After I got back to the car I changed clothes then I dragged John out to the kids obstacle course race. It had turned into a gorgeous day so I was happy to get John out of the car. He turned out to be way too old for the kids race, but he still did it and had fun. We hung out after with Darin and Frank waiting on the awards. I made sure we got pizza and all the free snacks we could since that's what poor people do. I even loaded up granola bars in my pockets. Haha. As always, I won lobster dinners from The Weathervane. Frank got a Runner's Alley gift cert for his age group and traded with me! That was awesome since I still have last year's lobster dinners.
It kind of stung knowing that the 1st female won the race in a time 8 seconds slower than I ran it in 2015, but after reading that book Dave Dunham gave me, I know I can't focus on the past and what I once was. All I can do is what I'm capable of now, and I'm reminding myself of that everyday. I know that I really need to heal this tendon thing. After VCM, I may reassess everything and cut back as close to no running as possible...without not running at all. Haha. I'm already thinking I might drop out from Mt Washington, but the $95 I didn't have that I used to pay for it is holding me back from making that decision. I may end up being out most of the summer and will just "jog" those races I don't want to miss just for the social aspect of it. We'll see! At this point I really have no idea.
As much as I wanted to stay in the beer mecca for some cool Cinco de Mayo stuff, I had no money for it so we went right back home. I was actually ok with everything by the time we left there. I was able to brush the 5K off and just count it as good speedwork. Haha. We picked up Chill and drove over to the Albany Town Forest to take a walk. The dogs and John needed the exercise, and I needed it to loosen up the legs.
After we got home, I was feeling antsy and decided to do another Lifted Butt Series workout. I know that sounds crazy, but I just had too much energy to get out. Yep, I'm definitely back to my old self. I was finally able to relax on the deck after that...but Chill still made me throw the stick which you can just see in front of my foot. Haha.
I don't remember much else about that night except looking at my FB memories and seeing a photo from the first day of the end of my marriage. I think I've brought this up in blog posts past.
My first time ever running on the Mt Washington Auto Rd, a training run on May 5, 2012. I was there with Paul Kirsch, Frank Holmes and Dylan Alden, and I was so excited to be there. The smile in that photo is so genuine. Within minutes of taking it, the text messages from Bryan came in with false accusations and a trust that was broken forever. It was only a few days later when I printed out the divorce papers that I didn't follow through on. I wish I could go back to this innocent, naive woman in the photo and tell her to follow through on it, that things will be so much better even though it will be tough. But I can't. It was another 2+ years, but I finally did it. It's one of the reasons I'm living off $150 for two weeks, but it was worth it, and I'll never regret it.
Sunday, May 6, 2018- A mostly uneventful day spent either alone or with John. I planned a long run for some reason which I should have known wasn't going to happen. I ran from home and down West Side Rd. Turned around at mile 5. It was still a decent run. 10.2 miles total in 1:16:20. 7:29 avg pace. My legs were kind of sore from the butt workouts and the 5K so 10 miles was plenty.
John and I took a 2-mile walk on the mountain bike trails in the Green Hills with the dogs. And then I did another upper body and abs workout later in the evening. Just a super quiet day. It was actually kind of nice.
I realized that I wasn't going to be able to afford the hotel I had booked in Burlington for VCM after the car repairs, even with the $200 stipend they're giving us, so I ended up cancelling it. Instead I booked a campsite at the campground in Burlington for just Saturday night. I can't afford to stay Sunday night as planned so we'll head back after a short post-race celebration/cry session with Rick and Amy Bernard and Heather Mahoney. I had originally taken my Monday shift off work, but since I don't need the day off anymore, and it would be a total waste of earned time, I picked up a shift at the Club Motorsports track. It's perfect since we mostly just sit around and watch the cars go round and round. Haha. I'm kind of bummed how this worked out since I was SO looking forward to VCM again, and I doubt I'll ever be invited back after this horrid race I'm going to have. Oh well. Seriously. Oh well.
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