Bored Panda shared this awesome find from a 1958 McCall's issue containing the article 129 Ways to Get a Husband. Link here.That in and of itself is highly entertaining, but as I read along I found myself responding to every one of them and had myself laughing out loud. I decided to write them all out along with my responses. Could I get myself a husband in 1958 as a woman of today?
WHERE TO FIND HIM
1.Get a dog and walk it. Easy enough. I do this almost every day. So far it's worked...on a married guy. Next...
2. Have your car break down at strategic places. The last time my car broke down, it was on Rt 16 before the Dover toll. No one stopped even after my sexy self got out of the car and was in full view of the road for almost 30 minutes. Good thing it wasn't 1958 or I would have been without my cell phone to call a tow truck.
3. Attend a night school- take courses men like. I guess men don't like History because the last night class I took, the only man who would speak to me was my brother.
4. Join a hiking club. I did this once...and it worked! Not officially a club; we called ourselves a hiking gang. It's how I met Bryan. So I think I'll skip the hiking club this time.
5. Look in the census reports for places with the most single men. Nevada has 125 males for every 100 females. That's 1.25 men for me!! Bags are packed, and I'm headed to Vegas, baby! Oh wait. I have no money.
6. Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers. Yeahhh. I know your wife just died and all, but wanna hang out? Oh wait. This is actually a thing....Widowsorwidowers.com/ Yes!
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| Look at me on the cover playing golf! |
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| Look at that putt. No one needs to know I left the tags on those shorts and returned them to Adidas the next day. |
8. Take several short vacations at different places rather than one long one at one place. Do they mean Rhode Island? Or do they mean those other places I can't afford to travel to? Or the Fryeburg Fair? Wish they were more specific here.
9. Sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons. Pretty sure that would make me look like a lonely weirdo. Could I substitute feeding seagulls my Kelly's Roast Beef on Revere Beach instead?
10. Take a bicycle trip through Europe. There's that lack of funds issue again. Maybe they mean I should start biking and do the Tour de France. Be the Katherine Switzer of the Tour de France.
11. Get a job in a medical, dental or law school. Now we're talking. Be the cougar to the young male students. I like it.
12. Become a nurse or an air-line stewardess--they have very high marriage rates. I did this!! I was a flight attendant for almost 3 years. I only got asked out once...by a PILOT. But I turned him down saying that I had a boyfriend...Bryan. DOH!
14. Be nice to everybody--they may have an eligible brother or son. Be nice? What?
15. Get a government job overseas. I'm too old to join the military, and I can't even get hired as waitress. But, sure. Sounds doable.
16. Volunteer for jury duty. Volunteer for jury duty. In Carroll County New Hampshire. Exactly where I DON'T want to meet a husband.
17. Be friendly to ugly men--handsome is as handsome does. They have a point. Sloth from The Goonies did seem pretty adventurous, and he liked kids.
18. Tell your friends that you are interested in getting married. Don't keep it a secret. #Winning! See this recent blog post. A Marriage Proposal.
19. Get lost at football games. Might be hard to get lost at a Kennett High School football game, but I'll try next Fall.
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| I could be like Debra Winger with Richard Gere!! |
21. Get a job demonstrating fishing tackle in a sporting goods store. See above answer. Make this the part of the population I'm the second least interested in. Can I demonstrate running shoes instead?
22. On a plane, train or bus don't sit next to a woman--sit next to a man. As long as he's Steve Martin and not John Candy.
23. Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there. The author of this is a sick fuck, but I guess I'll go to my next high school reunion. I know there are no widowers yet, but there's still time. My 30th is in just over 5 years away still.
24. Don't be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they may have some leftovers. Ok, then. Wow. I have nothing. The author is so mean to me.
25. Go back to your home town for a visit--the wild kid next door may have become a very eligible bachelor while you were away. There is no more next door. My parents sold our house the summer before my senior year. So traumatizing. I'm verklempt. Please move on to the next one while I relive my childhood trauma.
26. Don't room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level. She's only sad when I leave for work, and she can't help it if she's short. She's part chihuahua. Geez Louise.
27. Get a part-time job in a convention bureau. Ok. Checking to see if Conway has one. Nope. Ok, next. (What the fuck is a convention bureau anyway?)
28. Change apartments from time to time. Kind of hard to do when I live in a house that I own.
29. When traveling, stay at small hotels where it is easier to meet strangers. Motel 6 Warwick, here I come!
30. Learn to paint. Set up easel outside engineering school. I snapped a photo of my easel outside of MIT's Engineering School.
HOW TO LET HIM KNOW YOU'RE THERE
31. Stumble when you walk into a room that he's in. Yeah, that definitely gets attention, like when I stumbled over the orange cone at Baystate. I was surrounded by men. They certainly noticed, but I'm pretty sure they all thought I was an idiot.
32. Forget discretion every once in a while and call him up. You mean, like talk on the phone?! Is texting ok? How about Facebook Messenger?
33. Carry a hatbox. Oooook. I don't get it, but I'll give it a shot.
34. Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened. I didn't even use a knock-off brand.
35. Make a lot of money. Goddammit. Ok. If you insist. I was really enjoying my $11/hour job, though.
36. Learn several funny stories and learn to tell them well--but make sure you don't tell them to him more than once. So this one time, when John was 18 months old, I was cleaning the house and in a different room than him. He got quiet so I figured it was time to check on him. I look in the room to see him with a look of disgust on his face with brown drool coming out of his mouth and something in his hand. He looks up at me and says, "Raisin?" That's when I realized he had bitten into an engorged tick that had fallen off one of the dogs. He thought it was a raisin! Isn't that the funniest shit you've ever heard? Hahahaha. Wait. Are you ok? Why aren't you laughing?
37. Walk up to him and tell him you need some advice. I need some advice. My ex-husband lives in my driveway two days a week. Do you think I should ask him to help shovel snow off the driveway while he's there?
38. Dropping the handkerchief still works. I assume dropping my snotty running glove after a run is a good substitute, right?
39. Have your father buy some theater tickets that have to be got rid of. Daddy? I was wondering if you could buy me front row seats to Taylor Swift? There's a boy I want to invite.
40. Stand in a corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he'll come over to find out what's wrong. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure guys run for the hills when they see a woman crying. It worked for Randy, though...Too bad the other bitch had to rub it in that she already had a husband.
41. Don't let him fish for your name the next time you meet. None of this "guess who" stuff. Easy enough. I'll wear a name tag.
42. If you're at a resort have the bell boy page you. Or better yet. Have the bell boy paged to my room.
43. Buy a convertible. Men like to ride in them. There's that having money thing again. How are these single women able to buy things without a man to buy it for them? I don't understand.
44. Learn how to bake tasty apple pies. Bring one in to the office and the eligible bachelors taste it. How about I bring my tasty pizza pies into an office of sexy men instead?
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45. Laugh at his jokes. Court ordered therapy! Hahahahahahaha. Oh my god. You are SO funny. Oh. You weren't kidding.
46. If there's a wallflower among the men you know, why not cultivate him? For all you know, he may be a diamond in the rough. Maybe I'll pin him up against my car in dark parking lot and force him to kiss me. That should win him over.
47. "Accidentally" have your purse fly open, scattering its contents all over the street. "Oh silly me! My tampons are EVERYWHERE!"
HOW TO LOOK GOOD TO HIM
48. Men like to think they're authorities on perfume. Ask his advice on what kind you should wear. So which do you like better? Eau d'Odeur Corporelle or Eau de Cul Puant? Everything sounds amazing in French, doesn't it?
49. Get better-looking glasses--men still make passes at girls who wear glasses--or try contact lenses. First off, OUCH. The author be hatin' on them vision impaired girls. I'm so glad I only wear reading glasses. Can't decide which ones look better.
I agree. Number 1. Definitely.
50. Practice your drinking with your women friends first. I prefer to just dive right in and drink all the men all under the table. That's attractive, right?
51. If you dye your hair, pick a shade and stick to it. Does using Sun-In count?
52. Wear high heels most of the time--they're sexier! Ok, I'll give it a whirl. Makes running harder, but I guess it's worth the slower times to look sexier.
53. Unless he happens to be shorter than you are! Phew. Not to be superficial, even though it is, I don't date guys shorter than me. Since I have so many men to choose from, I can be picky. Lies.
54. Tell him he's handsome. That's it? Ok. "You're handsome." Am I good with this one? Yes? Ok. Next...
55. Take good care of your health. Men don't like girls who are ill. I am SO super healthy. I hope you don't mind my frequent trips to the bathroom, though. I have intestinal issues. And did I mention that I have two running injuries?
56. If you look good in sweaters, wear one on every third date. Oh come on! Why every third? I wear my grandma sweater every night at home. Why not wear it on every date?!
57. Dress differently from the other girls in the office. Worth hindering patient care to look better than everyone else, I suppose.
58. Get a sunburn. Ok. I'll sacrifice my skin for this sexy look.
60. Go on a diet if you need to. I just did! Considering how obese I was at 124.5lbs, it was a necessity! Omg. It was the best diet ever! Especially the plain yogurt for "snack". I made it 6 whole days! Lost 3lbs. On day 7, I ate 2 muffins, 6 chocolate cookies (ok, 7! Fuck you!), 2 handfuls of Hershey Kisses, half a bag of M&Ms, half a frozen pizza and drank 2 beers. Gained back 5lbs. Go me!
61. When you are with him, order your steak rare. Baby, do you think we could go for pizza instead?
62. Don't tell him about your allergies. I don't have any allergies! But have I told you about my intolerance to avocado and raw banana? I tell ya, there'd had better be a bathroom nearby after eating those! Hahahaha. Why that look?
63. European women use their eyes to good advantage. Practice in front of a mirror. What am I practicing exactly? Ohhhh! I got it.
64. Buy a full-length mirror and take a good look before you go to greet him. I have two full length mirrors. I look in them every day before I leave. I think I look good, then the second I walk out the door...
65. Change the shade of your stockings and be sure to keep the seams straight. Easy! I already have 5 different shades of leggings to choose from.
66. Get that fresh-scrubbed look by scrubbing. Some call it scrubbing. I call it photo editing.
67. If he has bought you any trinket or accessory, wear it. What if I burned it in a fire during a moment of anger?
68. Use the ashtray; don't crush out cigarettes in coffee cups! Geez! What was I thinking?! So glad the author is setting me straight!
69. Polish up on making introductions; learn to do them gracefully. Well, hello there, you fine sexy beast. You may kiss my hand, if you wish.
70. Don't be too fussy. But what if nothing is ever good enough for me? How else do I express my disdain?
71. Stick to your moral standards. I really need more guidance on this one. What if I keep my standards low?
72. Don't whine--girls who whine stay on the vine! Call me Jane.
HOW TO LAND HIM
73. Show him you can have fun on a cheap date--but don't overdo it! Do you know how hard it is to only order ONE Big Mac? But it's worth it for a romp in the McDonald's playscape afterward.
74. Don't let your parents treat him like a potential husband. That's easy. I'll just tell my Daddy to point the shotgun at him every time he comes a courtin'. That won't scare him away.
75. Ask your parents to disappear when you're entertaining. That's kind of rude. I assumed Texas was far enough away, but this meany of an author thinks otherwise.
76. Double-date with a gay, happily married couple--let him see what it's like. Well, if he's a homophobe and against gay marriage, I don't think there would ever be a date in the first place.
77. Tell his friends nice things about him. So I must tell you. He is sooooo well endowed and his kiss is to die for. And sooooo manly when he picks me up and throws me on the bed. Wait. Where are you going?
78. Send his mother a birthday card. Oooook. Just dropped it in the mail. I have no idea when her birthday is, though.
79. Ask his mother for her recipes. See now, that's creating high expectations. I wouldn't want him to think I can cook...especially like his mother. Better to keep things at the frozen pizza level for awhile and work my way up. Never start at the top.
80. Talk to his father about business and agree that taxes are too high. "So Trump claims to be for small businesses, but he only cares about Corporate America. Wouldn't you agree?" "Oh, you voted for Trump." "Goddammit, I hate high taxes. Read my lips. I'd better see no new taxes!"
81. Buy his sister's children an occasional present. "Psst. Kids. Come here. I bought you each a pound of candy and a 6-pack of soda. Enjoy!"
82. On the first date tell him you aren't thinking of getting married! Of course not! Already been there, done that....Oh, I didn't tell you I'm divorced? One thing I learned. Marriage is for the birds!
83. Don't talk about how many children you want. Kids?! I don't want any kids. I already have one! He's 12. I'm looking for a normal guy like you to be his second dad. What do ya think, stepdaddy? Wait. Where are you going?
84. If he's a fisherman, learn to scale and clean fish. JESUS. What is it with the author and her infatuation with fisherman? Guarantee you she named one of her kids Gorton. But I got you on this one, bitch! Not only have I been able to scale and clean fish since the age of 10, I can gut those water breathers, as well. Ha! Take that!
85. Don't tell him everything about yourself at the start. Hold something in reserve. "So, I know it's only the first date, but...here's a link to my blog. Shoot me message when your done reading it." 1 month later....chirp...chirp...chirp...
86. When you're out strolling with him, don't insist on stopping at every shopwindow. I definitely won't, especially if we're in Amsterdam's Red Light District!
87. Don't tell him how much your clothes cost. I got this jacket for free and these shorts for free and these shoes for free and I won this hat at a race....This shirt? $2 at Walmart. BOOM.
88. Learn to sew and wear something you have made yourself. Oh, girl, I got this one! Let me introduce you to my new line starting with the La Taie d'Oreiller Mini Dress that I'm modeling myself.
La taie d'oreiller is French for "pillow case". Yes, that's a pillow case. I know. You had no idea. Adorned with a blue ribbon for flair. See, this girl can get crafty when she needs to be. Mmmhmm.
(Side note. This pillow case has been featured in my blog before! See if you can spot its debut in this extremely entertaining post from 2016.)
89. Don't gossip about him. Seriously? Girls not gossip? Who are you kidding?
90. Never let him know he's the only one, even if you have to stay home one or two nights a week! Damn! These girls from the 1950s partied hard. I'm in the wrong era! And yes, always make him think you're the town slut.
91. Don't be a pushover when he's trying to make a date. Hmmm. I don't know. It might be hard to fit you in with my dance card being so full already. Looks like my next opening is in June 2019. Funny, that's also the next available appointment at my primary care.
92. Very early in your dating, why not get a favorite song that you both regard as your own?
93. Find out about the girls he hasn't married. Don't repeat the mistakes they made. Wow. If that doesn't cause anxiety in a relationship, I don't know what does. Good thing I NEVER make any mistakes.
94. Don't discuss your former boyfriends. Well, I don't want him to repeat the mistakes they made, so it's better to discuss it.
95. If you are widowed or divorced, don't constantly discuss your former husband. Oops. (See many blog posts over the last year.)
96. Be flexible. If he decides to skip the dance and go rowing on the lake. go--even if you are wearing your best evening gown. Whoa there. If I just got all dolled up in an evening gown for the first time in two decades, and he wants to go rowing on the lake instead, he'd better be talking about this kind of row boat...
97. Hide your Phi Beta Kappa key if you own one--later on junior can play with it. Dammit! Sounds like some kinky shit to me. I knew I shouldn't have quit my sorority my freshman year of college! I really missed out on what Greek life really is about.
98. Turn wolves into husband material by assuming they have honor. Once again, I'm baffled by a woman's life in the '50s. Wolves. Sounds hot!
99. Resist the urge to make him over--before marriage that is! Hahaha! I know better than that! You wait until they're trapped and can't escape.
100. Learn where to draw the line--but do it gracefully. Oh I see. Play the innocent girl who is really just a tease inside. "I like to take things slowly. I wouldn't want to tarnish my good graces." Good advice. Good advice. Pretty sure that works well in 2018.
101. Remain innocent but not ignorant. I'm a blonde and a woman. That's an easy part to play. Thanks to this list, I'm getting close to finding my husband. I can feel it!
102. Make your home comfortable when he calls--large ashtrays, comfortable chairs. I won't date a smoker, but I guess I'll put out some large ashtrays for ambiance. Or maybe I could get more 2018 and set up a hookah lounge. I've got him covered with the comfortable chairs. My lair is complete.
103. Learn to play poker. Can I just learn how to do the poker face like Lady Gaga instead?
104. If he's rich, tell him you like his money--the honesty will intrigue him! Oh baby, I LOVE your money. Can you show me your bank accounts? I like numbers. Numbers are my thing. I was good at math. You know what makes it even more special? It's your money. Yours. Not anyone else's. Which means there's more of it for me to love. You know what else I love about your money? You can spend it on me. Like buy me a new car or a diamond ring or dinner at fancy restaurants or pay off my debt.
105. Never let him believe your career is more important to you than marriage. Oh man. This is a tough one. My career is the bomb. How will I ever go through with this lie?! How?!
106. Buy him an amusing or particularly appropriate present every once in awhile. But don't make it too expensive. I'm so excited. He's going to LOVE this...we both are.
107. Clip and mail him a funny cartoon that means something to both of you.
108. Don't tell dirty stories. Have I told you about the time I did this mud run on Fort Ord in California. I was such a dirty girl!
109. Stop being a mama's girl--don't let him think he'll have in-law trouble, even if you know he will! I'll just wait until after the wedding to let him know they're Trump supporters.
110. Point out to him that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men. I might just have to call bullshit on this one since the death rate of both single and married men is the same at 100%. But maybe they mean that I should threaten to end his life sooner if he doesn't marry me. Now, we're onto something. I really think it could work.
WILD IDEAS--ANYTHING GOES
111. Go to Yale. I'm always up for a day trip as long as there's a race to run there.
112. Get a hunting license. I've been considering putting in for the moose hunting license lottery so if I win, I won't use it. Potentially saving the life of a moose. Great idea. Thanks for the reminder.
113. If your mother is fat, tell him you take after your father. If he's too fat too, tell him you're adopted. Wow. Once again, the author shows her mean, shallow side. Good thing my parents aren't fat then. I don't want to pretend to be adopted.
114. Stow away on a battleship. Jesus! Are they trying to get me arrested?! Although I certainly agree it would not be a horrible experience. Well...hellllllooooo there.
115. Rent a billboard and post your picture and telephone number on it. Ha! Yeah! Like I'd really share my private information like that! Be right back. I need to go post some more pics of John and do my hourly update on Facebook. And then I need to finish this blog post so I can start on the next one to share every bit of my life with you people.
116. Paint your name and number on the roof and say, "Give me a buzz, pilots." Done.
117. Start a whispering campaign on how sought-after you are. Probably unnecessary. I think everyone already knows I'm a hot ticket.
118. Sink at a fashionable beach at high noon! After 117 suggestions, now you tell me to sink myself! WTF. Ye of so little faith. I'd rather just hang out at a fashionable beach in my bikini to turn on all of the eligible bachelors.
119. Ride the airport bus back and forth from the airport. The Logan Express gets kind of expensive after one round trip.
120. Bribe Ferris-wheel operator to get you stuck on the top of a Ferris wheel. Oh my gosh! I can't believe we got stuck up here. Just you and me. All by ourselves. Trapped. No way of escape. "Kiss me Rhett." By the way, with what exactly am I bribing the operator?
121. Stand on a busy street corner with a lasso. Once again, trying to get me arrested! What is it with these people. Granted, the entertainment on the corner of Washington St and East Main St in Conway is not to be outdone. Don't get me wrong. There was a time I liked to dress up like Wonder Woman and swing my imaginary lasso around. I have proof!
122. Carry a camera and ask strange, handsome men if they would mind snapping your picture. Or why not ask them to join me in a selfie.
123. Ask your mother to take in male boarders. I'm not sure how my dad will feel about that. Their house in Texas really isn't that big.
124. Make and sell toupees-bald men are easy catches. Another ouch! This time to the bald men of the world. I do know one man in particular, though, who would probably pay me top dollar for my handmade toupees...
125. Advertise for a male co-owner of a boat. I can do this! I have experience! I'll send him my portfolio!
126. If you see a man with a flat, offer to fix it. What kind of a "flat" are we talking about here?!
127. Carry a tow chain in the trunk of your automobile. Once again, why would I have this? Isn't it the man's job to have the tow chain? Why do I need a man if I have to travel with my own tow chain? Geez.
128. Let it be known in your office that you have a button box and will sew on bachelors' loose buttons. A "button box", huh? "Loose buttons"? What are we really talking about? Oh I know!
129. Don't marry him if he has too many loose buttons. "Gosh darnit, Hank. The buttons on your blue tux just fell off and you mooned half the church. That's it. The wedding's off! But I'm keeping the ring!"
THE END
