A Birthday in the Time of Covid

Bought myself a Boston Creme Pie for my birthday. Multiply the candles by 11.

It's hard to believe it's been 10 years since I wrote that. And I 100% agree with myself. Where does the time go?! And wow so much life has happened since I wrote that. We moved back to NH. We've lost two dogs. I became a sub-elite runner and then receded back into the status of just a better-than-average runner. I got divorced. I ended up in a career I had no plans in being a part of when I wrote that. About to hit 9 years. It's just crazy. Looking back to the 10 years before that post is just as wild. 9/11 happened. I lost my career as a flight attendant. I lived in a van (by choice) or on a trail for two years. Just under 6 months for a Pacific Crest Trail thru-hike and just over 6 months for a second Appalachian Trail thru-hike. I got married. I became an Army Spouse for 7.5 years. I was a dog walker. I had a baby. I lived in Texas, Arizona, California and North Carolina. I don't see me topping my last 20 years in the next 20 years, but who knows.

But back to the present where I currently reside... my 44th birthday. It was on course for the usual nothing special at all. Just another day. My closest friend sent me a gift certificate to Saco River Brewing that I've already used. I did a trail run from home up Heavenly Hill and on the Dirty Girl course. Took the dogs on a short walk up Jockey Cap. Got take out from the 302 (best brisket!). Very low key... until I got the most exciting birthday gift ever....!!

After I ate, I sat down on the couch to veg. Then all of a sudden, my vision picked up something moving in the yard. I looked up to see a MOOSE!! It walked down our trail and into my yard!! Omg!! I couldn't believe it! I started yelling to John so he could see it. He came out and we both went out on the deck to look at it. I went into the yard. It heard me to it stopped and looked at me for a few minutes before running into the woods. I was like a 3 year old with my excitement! Best birthday gift ever!! I was giddy the rest of the night. I hope it comes back. It was a really young moose so it must be new to our woods. So excited! After years of shitty birthdays, I finally had a good one. Why are things suddenly going my way? I'm super skeptical.

I was thinking I'd have nothing much to write about in this post, but that is definitely not the case. Bryan always manages to keep the drama alive and he did not disappoint. He's been acting extra nutty lately. Part of me has sympathy because he can't just let his freak flag fly in a place like this without it getting noticed. I know he means no one any harm, but the mental issues are really taking their toll. He's been lashing out at me lately. Everyone I know and the police are seeing him riding around town with Chill running with him. But he finally fucked up to the point where things got even worse for him. I was sitting at work on Wednesday when a co-worker at Conway Fire messaged me saying he was listening over the radio to the police out with Bryan because he was reportedly throwing rocks at Chill. I'm going to be honest and say that I really don't believe this was the case. This just isn't something I can picture him doing. John's guess, and I agree with him, was that Bryan was probably tossing rocks for Chill to chase (like a stick). It's a game we'd play with him at the river. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and go with that more likely scenario, although, as crazy as he's gotten lately, I suppose it's possible. He has been showing a disregard for Chill's safety with the bike riding, but purposely trying to hurt Chill? I'm just not buying it. But that's not the end of the story. I debated sharing the messages I received from him after this incident because it's hard for anyone to really capture just how awful they were without sharing them, but I also don't want someone to read this and just think he's a total cocksucker. He's mentally ill. I just can't share it. But he basically sent me 30 messages of pure insults that included calling me a bitch and a cunt multiple times. And he also seemed to believe I was behind all of this. Like I'm the mafia boss of the Conway PD. I stopped replying after the 6th message because it wasn't worth trying, but his messages continued over a span of 2 hours. I didn't even see the last one since I had gone to sleep already. But... this wasn't over.

Around 1:30am, I was woken up by my phone ringing. How I was so out cold at work, I don't know, but it took me a few seconds to realize what woke me up. I answered and on the other end was the SAME Conway Police Officer who had called in the middle of the night 2.5 weeks prior while I was working at Conway Fire. Once again, he had Chill. Can I come pick him up? No, I'm at work. I was so out of it, I had trouble thinking straight and my mouth was so dry. I could tell he was trying to be nicer than he was last time, but he still acted like a dick. Told me that maybe I should put Chill up for adoption. Are you fucking serious?! I take really good care of Chill, but of course, just like Bryan blames me for everything, I'm apparently being blamed for Bryan losing Chill. We share him! How do you legally get full custody of a dog? I'm trying to wrap my head around wtf is going on. But what I did know was that Bryan could no longer have Chill. This police officer made that pretty clear. I told him I would pick up Chill at the shelter the next morning and that Bryan would no longer be able to have him. When I hung up, I saw Bryan's last message to me. He said that Chill was gone because he had gotten drunk, "so you're right I'm a bad dad you fucking stupid bitch." I never once told him he was a "bad dad". This is something he's written many times and has only been said by him. So maybe deep down he knows he's not fit to be a parent.

Once again, this kept me awake for over an hour. Mind churning. I sent Bryan some messages telling him that the police officer was going to pursue taking Chill away if I didn't take "full custody". I don't know if he ever read this message since it shows unread on Messenger. It also shows my messages from the next day after the animal control officer called me twice to basically berate me and tell me many times that Bryan was no longer allowed to have possession of Chill and that since Chill legally belongs to me then I'm fully liable if Bryan has him again. I didn't need to be told this like I'm some sort of idiot or a child. I said right off the bat that I was not allowing Bryan to have Chill again. She proceeded to call me back 2 minutes later to reiterate this to me AGAIN. WTF. Why I had to repeat myself over and over, I don't know. But basically, I was blamed again for allowing Bryan to have Chill in the first place. Chill was his dog! We shared him, but he was mainly Bryan's dog. Things haven't been bad. Only these two days since last Memorial Day!

I'm just do fucking sick of this shit!! This drained the life out of me! It does every fucking time. Trying to fucking raise a kid completely by myself with no financial help. Working a lot. Taking really good care of my dogs, yet I'm looked at as the piece of shit by Bryan and everyone else who has issues with Bryan. I guess it is my fault because I constantly hear, "Well...you married him." This isn't the Bryan I married. This is the Bryan I divorced. The whole thing just sucks. It sucks for me. It sucks for John. It sucks for Chill. And it sucks for Bryan. But I can't fix it. I can't fix him. I've told him flat out many times that I think he's mentally ill and needs help, but I might as well be talking to a wall. Last week, he started screaming at me from my driveway when he dropped off Chill. He told me I was the crazy one, got on his bike and yelled, "I'm fine!" He rode away wearing 3 coats in 62 degree weather. No, Bryan. You aren't fine. It's why I still have some sympathy for him even after he constantly insults me and calls me names. I've become numb to all of that by now. But I know he's mentally ill, but not many mentally ill people can see it in themselves. To him, he's just being attacked for no reason and he IS fine. How can you not have sympathy for someone like that? Life must be so confusing. But he still pisses me off. He still makes my life difficult. HE is the reason John no longer has a dad. HE is the reason he has lost his dog.

I picked up Chill the next morning at the shelter. Paid the fee out of my own pocket. The girl working there was super nice to me which I very much appreciated. She asked if I wanted the tape measure Chill was wearing as a collar/leash when he was found. Ugh. I took it. It probably belongs to John's grandparents so I'll return it.

In the car after bailing him out of jail

Now, I just have to worry about Bryan trying to take Chill. We're locking the doors at all times which isn't something we'd normally do. I still think he'll find a way to take him. If he does, I have to call the police so then he's going to get arrested a THIRD time. I really don't want that so I hope he doesn't try it, but he's lost his sense of right and wrong. I'm expecting him to try.

So that's my drama for the week. It never ends, and I have a feeling I'll have more to share in the next post. But it definitely brings juiciness to my blog posts, right? Hahaha.

What else? Well, everything else seems to be the same since the last post. Still working a lot. Money is rolling in. Haha. Ok, for what I'm used to, money is rolling in. Still working at the hospital, but I think that's ending in two weeks. The timing is perfect, though, since I start my 4th job at Club Motorsports soon. Haha. Same job I was doing at Club Motorsports the last three years, but a different company. Great Brook EMS. We had orientation with them last Saturday. Seems like a really awesome company. The owner was super cool. The pay isn't quite what I thought it would be, but it's seriously such easy work that I'm ok with it. Only planning to work one or two shifts a week there through June. I might cut it back to just one after that. All depends on when/if races start to make it back onto my calendar. I doubt we'll see anything back until August, and even then it's unsure.

In the last post, I wrote that nothing has really changed in my life. I'm just as busy, if not busier, than before. I have a better job. It's continued that way since my last post. I still haven't tested for my AEMT. I was scheduled to do my practical this Sunday, but it got cancelled due to Covid-19. The NREMT shut it down. Luckily, they haven't shut down my written test. I'm doing that on May 5th! So I've been cramming with practice tests. I finished the 1,067 page textbook last week. I think I'm going to be ready...if I can just read the questions right. Half of my mistakes are just misinterpreting the questions. Due to Covid-19, the National Registry and some States are allowing people to get provisional certifications/licenses if you pass the written. So if I pass the written I'll get my provisional AEMT license. It doesn't expire until October, but I still plan to do my practical in June anyway. I'm actually happy the practical got cancelled. I was SO not ready for it. This gives me more time. I think this is working out much better. I just really hope I pass the written. I'm not nervous about it, though. I've put in the work to prepare.

Although not much has changed, I've noticed a change in myself. I expect it to be only temporary, but I don't know. I can't really explain why, but I don't have any interest in silly things right now. Not sure "silly" is the right word for all of it, but I can't think of a better one. I can't stand the arts and crafts and games and posts about TV shows. The White Mountain Milers is doing a virtual race series. I just did the 5K. This next one is running a 400m in a onesie costume. I'm not into it. At all. Just no tolerance for the silliness of it. People still training for marathons or running extremely long miles on a treadmill and posting multiple posts about it on FB. I could see one post, but the rest just screams, "Look at me!" Maybe it's just seeing people with too much time on their hands which I've already mentioned I can't relate to. Or maybe silly things just aren't appropriate right now? I just don't want to see it or do it right now. The virtual races are the only activity I want to participate in right now, and only serious ones.

I guess I'm feeling far more serious right now than before. Never the fear those of us wearing masks are being accused of. Why is that accusation a thing? I've never been afraid. I'm not afraid. I just feel like it's the right thing to do, and it's not asking much of people. But all I see now are the self-centered people surrounding me. I thought this country was a sad place before. Now, I just sigh and shake my head at all of the stupidity. Our country is an embarrassment and a laughing stock. I feel worn out and exhausted from trying to do the right thing when no one cares anymore... or never cared. Seeing the town flooded with tourists this weekend is so disheartening. Walked into Irving wearing my mask and some brainless idiot who drove up from RI walked in and asked the cashier where she could see a moose because she wanted to get a photo of one. I have to hand it to him for remaining professional, but he told her she wouldn't see one and not to get too close to one if she does. Haha. Go home, idiot. But seriously, I've about just given up. To see that no one gives a shit anymore just makes me sad. This country is doomed. I'm at the point where I want to continue to avoid people. Can we keep the stay-at-home order forever? Haha. I don't even miss going out to restaurants. I'm happy with take-out and delivery. John finally got to experience pizza delivery for the first time in his life... and now he keeps asking for it. Haha. I love online ordering then just picking it up. No talking to people other than a quick thank you. I don't know about you, but I think this set-up is so much better! I even like the mask because no one recognizes me, and I don't have to smile. Plus, if my nose is running, no one sees it! Haha.

In all seriousness, though, I really do think this opening back up of the country so soon will have repercussions and that there will be a second wave of the virus. I do like the way our governor has a plan to open things up in phases with the stipulation that it could all change if the data indicates a spike in Coronavirus. He's in a tough spot. All governors are. But he seems to have been doing the right thing even though he was a little slow at the start. I'm still skeptical, though. I'm still going to wear a mask in stores. I'm not going to hang out in crowds or go to restaurants. I'm ok without a haircut for a little longer. And as much as I really want to get my nails done, I'm ok with waiting. If we don't get a second wave after this, then I will feel more comfortable about going back into crowds and ditching the mask.

Damn. I didn't realize I had to go so far back with my running stuff. Boring! Seriously. Just sounds boring. So I'm going to change it up a bit. Total mileage for the week and any runs worth highlighting and then other shit from the week.

April 13-19, 2020- 50 miles. 3,947ft of elevation gain. Most of the runs were boring, but I did finally get out to the Mineral Site for the first time this year. It was almost entirely clear. Thompson Falls was roaring. Ran 10.9 miles. Could have made it 11, but meh, whatever.

This week's virtual race was another Millennium 5K which sucked balls. Worst 5K in over 10 years in 20:04. Still managed to be this weeks female winner, though.

Sunday, I ran from home out to the Moat Mt Trailhead to find it spilling over with cars, half from Massachusetts, and don't think for a second those NH plates are all local. They are no different than out-of-Staters coming up here for vacay. I posted it on FB and received some backlash, but mostly support. The backlash was from those who don't like being told what to do. Sorry, but what part of the stay-at-home order don't you understand? Or the pleading from SAR groups up here asking people to please stay out of the higher mountains. South Moat had just had a rescue two weeks before this (a local person). It was still covered in snow and ice. It wouldn't have been as much of a big deal to see the crowded parking lot if it was a trailhead serving multiple trails, but this only has ONE trail out of it. But, no one cares about anybody but themselves. I haven't even been going up into the higher mountains, and I live here. Disagree with me all you want, but you're still fucking self-centered if you are one of those people who traveled here to do anything that wasn't work related.

Today was the first day I was able to sit out on the deck in the sun! Yay! I took this photo from the up angle on purpose because I don't want you see how much weight I've actually gained. I say I don't care, but I guess I kind of do since I'm not exactly showing off my muffin top and extra huge ass.

Instead of taking a walk, John wanted to just play around the yard. It's been years since he has wanted to do that. We spent about 2 hours venturing all over our property. I basically just followed his lead. It was fun seeing him show some interest in his yard again.

April 20-26, 2020- I jokingly mentioned to someone about running my age for weekly miles and then ended up doing it, not even on purpose. 44.8 miles. 3,189ft of elevation gain.

I finally ran the Passaconaway/Kancamagus Hwy route. I never run the Kanc past the Darby Field Inn turn-off since I think it's extremely dangerous, but I dropped my Kia Soul off at Frechette early enough on Thursday that I figured I'd run the Kanc back home. I ended up being right. Hardly any cars. Gorgeous day for a run there, too. 13.6 miles total.

Oh and in case you were wondering why I was dropping off the Soul, it's because it didn't pass inspection! A car I hardly drove at all the last year. How does that happen? I don't know, but it did. And the Sorento actually passed! Go figure.

I tried to sit out in the sun after this run, but it was still too chilly.

Had to work a full day at the hospital the next day. I ran to Frechette to get the car in the morning then ran again after work through Whitaker Woods. I had planned a road run so I didn't have trail shoes. Thought the Hoka Carbon X would be ok. I was wrong! They are TERRIBLE on trails. I had to jog easily to keep the ankles from breaking. Still a nice run, though.

Chicken muffin from the cafeteria. Haha. Mislabeled. It was actually a pumpkin spice muffin.

Couldn't wait to get the N95 off. It's suffocating. 

The next day, I had orientation for my next new job with Great Brook EMS to work details at Club Motorsports. Same thing I've been doing the last three years, just with a different company. They are super cool. I was really digging the vibe. The pay isn't quite what I expected, but it's still really good for mostly just sitting on your ass outside all day. Plus, I can run during lunch. 

After orientation, I went back to Whittier Rd across the street for another virtual 5K attempt. The weather was perfect, but I ran even slower! I did end up with a bad side stitch the entire 3rd mile which made it rough. I rarely get those, but today was one of those days. 20:10. Might be time to give up on the 5Ks. Haha.

When I got home, I picked up John and the dogs and went right back to Tamworth for a walk around White Lake. I was surprised to see so few people out there, but it turned out that most of the trail was flooded. Luckily, I knew the way around it via the snowmobile trail so we were able to complete the loop. So nice out. 3.5 miles total.

Drove over to the spring to fill up all of our jugs. I couldn't believe it when John jumped in to do it. Yay! Finally! Sometimes a little help means a lot.

I usually don't let him go in stores, but he wanted to go in to pick out his own drink so I made him wear this mask. He wasn't liking it. Haha.

April 27-May3, 2020- 51 miles. 5,082ft of elevation gain. A mostly very unexciting run week since half the runs were on the treadmill. One was a 3x2-mile workout, very much on the slow side. The next day (Saturday), I decided to do one of the many variations of my Green Hills Long Loop. I ended up enduring a sufferfest since I was SO out of shape for that. I had the chance to cut it short to 11 miles, but I kept going and paid the price. Stumbled it in with 17 miles and 4,012ft of elevation gain. Right around 3hrs35min. I was dying. Had to stop at Walgreens for Gatorade and chocolate milk. It was a warmer day than I was used to on top of being out of shape. At least it was a really nice day out.

Took John back over that way for a walk on Corridor 19 with the dogs for 2 miles. Saw no one. Perfect. Haha.

Reluctantly went into Walmart after our walk. Hardly anyone wearing a mask and people there with a lot of little kids. Oh well, not my problem or I guess it could be if you call 911 or show up at Memorial  while I'm working. 

Hell froze over. I couldn't believe it. I was on my last roll of toilet paper. I had barely been able to find any since the hoarders swept through. Then much to my surprise, Walmart had 20 packs of Scott and Walmart brand. I certainly didn't need that much, but it was all they had so I bought one. I think I'll be set for a long time.

Had my last Fat Alberta so until December, Bertie!

This morning, all I had to do was the McKirdy Mile. Yes, another virtual race. Considering I destroyed myself with Friday's 3x2-mile workout and then yesterday's mountain run, I wasn't too disappointed to run a 6:01. And I was ecstatic that I only needed one mile to hit 50 for the week so I did a warm up mile, the race mile and that was it. I needed a short, easy day, and it was nice to come home and just lounge in the sun for awhile with the dogs before taking a walk.

I took John and the dogs over to Lead Mine Rd for a walk on the Cook's Pond Trail. I'd never done it and didn't think we'd see any people. Of course there was a Masshole parked there when we got there. I've never seen anyone parked there before. 2 other cars had joined in when we finished the walk, but luckliy everyone else must have taken the other trail in the Goodwin Town Forest because we saw no one the entire walk. It was 2.5 miles. Nothing exciting really since the trail didn't actually go down to the pond, but it was good exercise for John and the dogs.

It was 76 degrees so I couldn't pass up a short paddle on my kayak. I miss kayaking so much over the winter. Went to my usual spot at Silver Lake, but only kayaked 3 miles instead of 5. Got a little chilly on the way back, but it was still nice. Floated in the lake for awhile drinking a beer I'd saved from Garrison City Beerworks. Love being on the lake.

Kind of a mixed bag with stuff this week. A good birthday but Bryan drama. I'd rate it a B+ haha. Not much new coming up. I have a week long virtual series that's coming up. The Run Free Grand Prix Series has its finally race this coming weekend. A half marathon. Not really looking forward to that. Debating on whether to actually go hard or just run 13.1 miles like a regular run. We'll see how I feel. 

Only working one full day at Memorial this week and next. I think they're closing down the tent after that. If offered, I'll stay on per diem. It would be good to work there every now and then. The track starts up next weekend so the timing is good. 

I can't believe my AEMT test is in less than two days. I'm finding stuff I've forgotten so I'll be going over all of that tomorrow when I have time. I really hope I pass. I don't want to fork over another $115 for another test. What if I fail that one, too? I think you get three tries before you have to take some sort of refresher. I'll probably just give it up if it gets to that. If I can't pass this stupid written test then I'm not smart enough to be an AEMT and will just stick to being a Basic. 

Oh before I forget! Thank you, anonymous. You're lucky my friend is no longer the manager at Hobb's or I would have found out who you are. Haha.

Hate the hero thing, but I liked having a comfortable shirt to wear at work during my walk

Worked the triage tent Friday. Tested a few people.

This photo is funny. Looks like my head on Phoenix's body.

My tulip finally opened up.