I Lost My Spot Dog

Monday morning (10/16/17), I woke up at 0445 to the sound of what I thought was Spot puking. I kind of have a rule of never letting her out before 0530, but I was half asleep and just opened the door. Out she went. It was the last time I'd see her. My sweet Spot crossed Rt 16 at some point that morning and was hit by car and killed. She was just a month and a half shy of turning 14 years old, and throughout all of those years, she was a master at crossing roads and navigating trails and mountains. I'm guessing that her old age and slower pace probably caused her to misjudge her road crossing. Did the person who hit her stop? Nope. I found out hours later at work after my neighbor sent a group message saying the bus driver saw a tan dog by the road that had been killed. I knew right away it was Spot. I called John since his dad doesn't have a phone and had to break the news. He immediately broke down into tears which made me break down into tears even more. He got his phone to his dad so I could tell him what happened. The animal control officer had already picked Spot up, but she brought her back home. I decided to stay at work. I felt like if I had gone home, I would have just made John upset. This is where his dad is the far better than I am at helping John through that. They spent all day digging Spot's grave in the yard in her favorite place to sit in the sun. And by all day, I mean all day and into the night.

Meanwhile, I had to hold it together for the next 22 hours at work. It took awhile for me to compose myself, and luckily we weren't that busy. I took a 2-mile walk around the base to help calm me down. We had one pretty serious call that night, but by then, I was already feeling more accepting of it. What started as a search for Spot's photos turned into 8 hours of looking through photos from nearly 14 years of my life. The beginning of my marriage to my life as a military spouse living all over the country to becoming a mom to reentering the civilian world and starting a new career to the long breakdown of my marriage to the divorce to my reinvention of the new me. Going through the photos ended up being my unintended healing process since I was watching Spot's pretty fucking awesome life. Her mother was our sweet dog, Coy, and her father was a Red Tick Coon Hound who was literally roaming the Maine woods bear hunting when he found Coy. Ooops. So Spot was always a free dog. Always. I knew the whole time it was a risk, but that was her nature so I was willing to take the risk. It finally got her in the end, but honestly, after looking through her photo essay of life, I have no regrets. I was at peace with it before I fell asleep. I would have sad moments the next day and over the few weeks, and her absence feels like an ever present emptiness. I forget she's not there sometimes, but I've accepted it. The rest of this week in between Hartford and Baystate kept me busy and focused on other things so it helped. I know this is going to bore my readers, but this isn't really about you anyway. I write this crap for myself...with the occasional subtlety for others thrown in there.  So anyway, I'm putting in my photo collage of Spot starting with her life with Coy (her mother and best friend) in Center Conway, NH where Spot was born on 11/29/2003 to the end of her life only a few miles down the road in Albany, NH where she died on 10/16/2017.

2003 in Center Conway with Coy and me

The were best friends, like sisters.

When it was just the three of us in 2004. Hingham, MA

Belton, Texas 2006

Pacific Grove, CA 2008

California

Texas

Boote Spur 2007

Manomet, Ma 2007. Home for a month.

Manomet

Center Conway, NH

California

Marshfield, MA 2007

Mt Eisenhower 2007

2015- Albany NH

California

My 40th birthday on Carter Ledge

Black Cap-2016

Fort Foster 2016

Middle Sister

South Moat

Heavenly Hill

With Phoenix at home in Albany

On my trails behind the house 2017

Spot's empty bed now. :(

I spent the following morning running around White Lake as a marathon recovery run. I ran threw some huge tears and had to stop at one point because the thought of going home and Spot not being there literally almost made me vomit. The run was beautiful, though. It was all just part of the process. 4 very slow trail miles.

I went home to see what John and Bryan had built for Spot. It was awesome. I cried a little...ok a lot, but at the same time, I was still feeling no regret for how Spot lived her life. Almost 14 years of pure dog bliss.

Although it was tough, John and I took a walk with just Phoenix at the Albany Town Forest then came home and did a toast to Spot.

Life carried on, and I stopped crying. Phoenix helped fill the void so I brought her to work with me the next day for my 24 hour shift in North Conway. Somehow I managed to get up early that morning and run 3 miles on the treadmill. 22:45. Probably still too quick for recovering and getting ready to run another marathon 4 days later. Haha. My body was tired from Hartford, but nothing unusual for the week post-marathon. I just had NO idea how my body was going to react to another marathon a week later. I was totally winging this!

Sitting in the office with me

Taking short walks on the trail out back

This was a really good sign!

I was pulling a 34 hour shift total so on the way down to Tamworth the next morning for the last 10 hours of work, I dropped Phoenix off at home. We had one fire alarm all day. I got outside for a 2-mile walk around the building then at 5, it was back to the Around the Lake Trail again for another easy 4 miles of running in 34:22.

Just before sunset

I was happy to be home in the quiet that night. I needed the alone time. I craved it after the week I'd had and especially after working a 34 hour shift. I had been putting in 58 hours a week for nearly two months by this point. And the following week would be a 63 hour work week. This moment of alone time was precious to me to decompress from work, losing Spot and being in a week's limbo between 2 marathons. I was getting nervous about the weekend, and I stupidly made plans for Baystate weekend that would end up stressing me out.

Friday morning, I couldn't even think about running. I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to go for a hike. Since John has been going to the Community School on Fridays, I started venturing down that way more to do some different things. And funny, enough, on my drive out there, I just happened to run into John with his bike group. That was really cool. I hadn't been up on the Squam Ridge since I ran the the Squam Ridge Race in 2014. It was so beautiful but difficult to actually look at the view, so it was time to go back and do a short loop up Mt Percival across to Mt Morgan and back down, making a 5.3 mile loop. It was such a gorgeous day and not overly crowded. Phoenix joined me. The few people we did run into were nice, and I didn't mind sharing the viewpoints for once. I walked pretty slowly so as not to kill my legs. We were out there for over 3 hours (including stops). Really a nice way to end the regular week and then transition into the stressful marathon weekend.

Mt Percival

Mt Percival

Mt Morgan

I stopped by the Squam Market for some snacks and beer then picked up John from The Community School after. He was happy just like every time! I love it. Not only did he do the bike ride, but they hiked to a waterfall over the afternoon. I made sure the evening was laid back for both of us since it was another travel weekend for us, and I wanted John to have as much time as possible at home. It was great when John's friend called and asked to come over for a sleepover with John. He had even more fun hanging out with him. So it was a good night.

A REAL man sent me this song last week. He knows me better than anyone else.